Title: A Failure of Desire
Author: chelle monroe@globalnetisp.net
Series: No, but then I've said that before.
Rating: PG 13
Archive: SWC; M & A; SWAL
Category: Humor/parody
Pairing: Q/O
Feedback: Always both welcome and appreciated.
Disclaimer: They belong to George. I just have fun with them. And no one pays me for it.
Summary: Obi Wan seeks counselling.
Warnings: Spew, I hope.
Notes: This one was clearly inspired by Lilith and Mona's recent fics. So thank you to them both.
This little bunny wouldn't let me be this morning until I had written it. Wouldn't even let me have any smut. Bad, bad bunny.
Thank you to Pumpkin for looking at it for me and telling me to post it. Otherwise, it might still be sitting in the drafts folder.

"Please, sit." The counselor gestured to an armchair near his own. "What can I help you with Padawan Kenobi?"
"Well," Obi Wan chewed on his lower lip. "It's a little embarrassing."
"Most of the things people come here for are."
"Yeah, I guess so." He looked down. If he didn't tell then he was just wasting the counselor's time, and his own. "It's my master. I don't... I don't desire him."
"You don't desire your master."
"No." Obi Wan's voice was low. His head hung in shame.
"Why does that trouble you?"
"He's my master. I'm supposed to desire him. Expected, it is."
"Well, yes. But just because most Padawans desire their masters at some point that doesn't mean all do. Sometimes the master and padawan are not of compatible species. It happens."
"My master and I are the same species."
"Oh. It might help if I knew who your master is."
"Qui Gon Jinn."
"Qui Gon Jinn. Your Qui Gon Jinn's apprentice."
"Yes," Obi Wan answered glumly.
"And you don't desire him."
"No."
Something clearly was wrong with the boy. Qui Gon Jinn. How could one not desire Qui Gon Jinn? There had to be some way he could help the boy.
"Have you looked at him?"
"Looked at him?" Obi Wan echoed. "Yes, I've looked at him."
"Unclothed?"
Obi Wan sighed. "Yes, unclothed. And he is as formidable as everyone imagines him to be."
"As everyone imagines him to be?" He repeated.
A glum nod. "I get asked about it all the time. Everyone wants to know." He was quiet for a moment. "I don't get it. How come everyone in the Temple desires him except me?"
"Do you share quarters?"
"Yes."
"Do you sleep in the same bed?"
Obi Wan shook his head.
"What about on missions?"
"We are always provided with separate quarters on missions."
"Even aboard the transports?"
Obi Wan nodded.
"Do you get injured a lot?"
"No." Obi Wan was puzzled.
"Do you ever require comfort from your master, need him to take care of you?"
"No."
"You've never been kidnapped, enslaved, tortured or raped?"
"No. I don't see how that would make me desire my master."
"What about Qui Gon? Has he been kidnapped, enslaved, tortured or raped while you've been his padawan?"
"No."
"Have you ever had to comfort him or take care of him?"
"No."
"What about masturbation?"
"What?"
"Have you ever watched your master masturbate?"
"No. I don't think he does."
"Ever seen him with someone else?"
"No. He's very discreet."
"Has he ever watched you masturbate?"
"No."
"Never? He's never walked in on you in the shower? Seen the results of a wet dream and given you a knowing look?"
"No."
"Has he ever caught you having sex with someone else?"
"No."
"Either of you ever been accidentally or deliberately given an aphrodisiac or some other inhibition lowering substance?"
"No."
"Ever been sent undercover as a slave and his owner?"
"No."
"Ever had to attend a fertility ritual?"
"No."
"Not even one involving a virgin sacrifice?"
"No."
"Hmmm. Perhaps I should speak to the Council about your assignments. You and Master Jinn seem to be missing all of the good ones."
"I'd really rather you didn't. Master Jinn doesn't know I'm here."
"There are other possible solutions we can try first. Have you bathed with him?"
"No."
"Showered?"
"No."
"Gone swimming in the nude?"
"No."
"Stood naked under a waterfall, letting the water caress you while he watched?"
"No."
"Have you ever been jealous at the sight of someone else hitting on your master?"
"No."
"Ever followed him to a prostitute or an S/M club?"
"No. I can't imagine Master Jinn doing such a thing."
"One never knows, Padawan Kenobi. You'd be surprised." He paused for a moment. There was one obvious possibility. "Are you straight?"
"What?"
"Heterosexual? Are you heterosexual?"
Obi Wan looked horrified.
"Do you desire women?"
"NO. How could you even suggest such a thing? That's just, just disgusting."
"I am sorry, Padawan Kenobi. I had to ask."
"Okay, well if you don't desire your Master. Who do you desire?"
"I, I don't think I can tell you."
"Padawan, I can't help you unless you are honest with me."
"Master Yaddle."
"Yaddle. I don't know how to tell you this, but Master Yaddle is female."
"Female?" Obi Wan quailed.
"I know it is hard to tell with her species, but Master Yaddle is female."
Obi Wan looked stricken.
"It's okay, Padawan. It's not as if you knew she was a she." He looked thoughtful. "I think I can help you with your problem. I want you to return to your quarters and meditate on your master."
"I've tried that."
"This time I want you to meditate on the things which make him so absolutely delicious. Start with the cerulean blue eyes, think about how they seem to look straight into your soul."
Obi Wan knew he should have insisted on a female counselor.
"Then think about that voice. Imagine it filled with lust. Deep, husky, moaning your name."
Obi Wan nodded glumly.
"Imagine those lips on yours, his beard tickling you. That hair loose around his shoulders, brushing against your skin as he nibbles and licks his way across your chest. And those hands. I think you should devote at least an hour just to his hands. Long callused fingers, such strength in those hands, but they will touch you oh so gently."
Obi Wan decided that the counselor was going to need a cold shower before too long.
"Imagine removing his clothes, running your hands over that broad chest and back, feeling the power in that body. And you said he was formidable. Imagine what it would be like to hold that cock in your hands, to stroke it, to taste it." Abruptly realizing that he had just used the word cock in a counseling session, he stopped. Clearing his throat, he said, "If that doesn't help. Come back and we'll see what else we can try."
Obi Wan rose. "Thank you, sir."
He walked back toward his quarters in a funk. He didn't really think that meditations would work. He'd tried it before. And the counselor wanted his master. Sometimes it seemed as though everyone in the Temple desired Qui Gon except him. He bet even Master Yaddle wanted Qui Gon.
Lost in thought, he didn't notice the banana peel on the top of the stairs. He was tumbling down the steps before he had quite registered what was happening.
Qui Gon appeared as if from nowhere, gathering his injured apprentice into his arms, nestling him against that broad chest. He carried Obi Wan to the healers.
Obi Wan watched his master hover, concern written across his handsome features. He really was the epitome of masculine beauty, Obi Wan decided. And those arms, that chest, he had never felt so safe, so cherished, as he had when Qui Gon carried him away from those accursed stairs.
After treating his bruises, the healers released him. Qui Gon insisted on carrying home. He protested weakly, making sure he didn't argue strenuously enough to dissuade Qui Gon. He nestled against his master's chest, reveling in the feel of hard muscle.
He looked up at the man holding him and his breath caught. His master was so... masterful.
Qui Gon smiled to himself. It had finally happened. His apprentice desired him. He'd have to thank the counselor for the tip about the banana peel.