Title: HST: Anal Intercourse: The Class
Author: 'chelle monroe@globalnetisp.net
Series: Humanoid Sexual Techniques, story 7
Archive: M & A; SWC; The Rising Force; everyone else please ask
Rating: PG
Category: Humor/Parody
Pairing: Q/O
Feedback: Always both welcome and appreciated.
Disclaimer: They're George's. I can only hope for his forgiveness.
Summary: Obi Wan teaches sex education.
Warnings: None, really. Spews are unlikely with this one. It's more amusing than laugh out loud funny.
Notes: Mac, Emu and Wolfe's bunny, I just write 'em. Thank you to Mac for the jewelry reference. A heartfelt, thanks, as always, to kaly for the beta.
It has a teaser ending, but don't worry the next section is already in kaly's inbox.

Obi Wan resisted the urge to watch his master wiggle into the desk chair. Instead he focused his attention on the students seated before him.
"Good morning."
"Good morning, Instructor Kenobi," they chorused in response.
He smiled at them. "How was yesterday's class? I trust Ragen covered the material thoroughly."
"We missed the demonstrations," said a voice from the back of the room.
Obi Wan chuckled. "Surprisingly, we weren't allowed to demonstrate anything before the Senate committee."
"What's today's class?"
"Anal intercourse." As soon as the words were out of his mouth Obi Wan knew he was in trouble.
"We'll get a demonstration today then."
"Uhh, no," Obi Wan answered.
"But you and Master Jinn..." The voice trailed off as the students erupted in laughter. Qui Gon's deep chuckle was unmistakable.
*You find this amusing, Master?*
*Come now, Obi Wan...*
*Isn't it a little public for that?*
Qui Gon chuckled. *I was going to say that one can hardly blame them for assuming...*
*That we're lovers.* Obi Wan grinned at him.
*Yes.* The smile was returned.
Obi Wan realized that the two of them were in the middle of a silent classroom clearly having a private conversation.
"We missed that, too."
"What was that?"
"The silent conversations, Instructor Kenobi. We missed them."
"Why ever would you?"
The students laughed. "We speculate on what you were saying after class." One of the braver students replied.
"I'm sure your speculations are far more interesting than the actual conversations." Qui Gon said archly.
"I'm not so sure about that, Master Jinn." The student answered.
Qui Gon chuckled, gave his padawan a meaningful look. "That might be true. My padawan is nothing if not an interesting conversationalist."
Ignoring the heat in his cheeks, Obi Wan cleared his throat. "Perhaps we should actually discuss the material."
The students all turned from Qui Gon to him. "Now, as I mentioned earlier, today's class is anal intercourse."
One of the students squirmed visibly. "Is something wrong, Padawan?" Obi Wan asked.
"No, Instructor Kenobi. It's just the thought of anything up there. Well, it just doesn't seem like it'd be very pleasurable that's all."
"I see."
"In fact, it seems kind of gross."
Obi Wan could sense Qui Gon's stifled laughter.
"I can understand why you might feel that way," Obi Wan began. "It is certainly not the first part of the humanoid body that comes to mind when one thinks of pleasure."
"Did you ever think it was gross?"
"Yeah, what's it like the first time?"
"Does it hurt?"
"Isn't it kind of small for that?"
Obi Wan held up his hand, bringing an end to the onslaught of questions. He took a deep breath. "Anal intercourse allows for the stimulation of the prostate in men and similarly sensitive tissues in women. It can take some time to become accustomed to the sensations. And no, with the proper amount of lubrication, it doesn't have to hurt."
"Are you sure?"
Obi Wan nodded. "That's what the syllabus says."
"The syllabus?" One of the student's asked.
"Yes, the syllabus."
"So, you haven't actually done it." One of the student's said slowly.
Obi Wan flushed. "Nnnooo."
"But..." All of the students were now looking at Qui Gon. "Aren't you two..."
"That's a very personal question." Obi Wan said.
"We just assumed... because of the demonstrations..."
"And the fact that you never talk about women." Another of the students added.
"The bell always rings," Obi Wan said defensively.
"You could have discussed it earlier in the class."
"What?" Obi Wan was beginning to feel out of his element.
"Women. You say the bell always rings, but you discuss men first."
"All of you ask so many questions that we run out of time."
"We may ask questions, but you flirt."
"What?" Obi Wan heard himself ask yet again.
"Flirt. You and Master Jinn. You flirt."
"We weren't flirting. Qui Gon was just assisting." Obi Wan swallowed. "He thought the demonstrations might help..."
"Sure, help him get you into bed."
Laughter
"It worked."
Qui Gon strode to the front of the room. He hid his amusement at the stunned expressions which greeted him. "You shouldn't ask a question if you don't want the answer." He smiled warmly at his apprentice, before scanning the room.
"Now, in answer to your other questions. I don't think I ever thought of anal sex as gross. At least not any more so than any other kinds of sex."
The students laughed, beginning to relax.
"Did you, Padawan?"
"No, Master," Obi Wan smiled at him, his affection for his master showing clearly in his expression. *I always thought of you when I thought about anal intercourse. Nothing I imagined doing with you seemed gross.*
Qui Gon had turned to look directly into Obi Wan's eyes. *Padawan.*
"They're at it again."
Qui Gon forced his attention back to the class. "The first time is a little uncomfortable. There is some stretching and a feeling of fullness. But if your partner is careful, it shouldn't hurt."
"It just doesn't seem, well, big enough."
Qui Gon nodded. "No, it doesn't seem that way. But the tissues in question can be surprisingly elastic."
"Any further questions?" When none were forthcoming, he turned to Obi Wan. "What's next?"
"Lubrication, Master."
He turned his attention back to the students. "The anal opening doesn't provide any natural lubrication, making some form of outside lubrication necessary. Whatever kind of lubricant you use, make certain that you apply plenty of it."
"How?"
"Fingers are the most common method."
"What should you use?"
"There are lots of choices. Saliva and semen are usually easy to find, but a little harder to use than artificial lubricants. You can pretty much use anything that doesn't contain any ingredients harmful to your species and can be washed away with water."
The room was quiet for a long moment. "Saliva?" said a voice from the corner.
"You can apply it with your fingers or your tongue."
"Tongue. Isn't that kind of, well, gross?"
"Not really. Just have your partner bathe first." The students laughed. Qui Gon was startled to hear Obi Wan join in.
"What's next?" the master asked, turning toward his padawan.
"Positions."
Qui Gon shrugged. "Pretty much any position which can be used for vaginal penetration can also be used for anal intercourse. Anything else?"
Obi Wan nodded and moved to the Galactic Get-Offs box on the desk. He pulled out a small green butt plug. "Well, there's this."
"What is it?" one of the students asked.
"It's an anal plug," Obi Wan answered. "The design allows it to be inserted and left in place. Even while the wearer engages in other activities."
"That's just weird."
Obi Wan chuckled. "I have to admit that was my first reaction as well. You'll notice that the base is flared. Don't ever insert an object all of the way into your rectum. Make certain that some part of it remains outside or you could be making a very embarrassing trip to the healers."
The students laughed. Qui Gon did not.
Obi Wan reached back into the box and pulled out a string of beads with a small ring at the end.
"Jewelry?" A student asked.
"I don't think so." Obi Wan answered, looking at his master.
"They're anal beads. You insert them and then slowly remove them." Qui Gon explained.
"Oh." Obi Wan was studying the beads, trying to imagine how their insertion and removal could be pleasurable.
The bell rang.
The students filed past them and out the door. Just before the door closed, they heard the words, "So what do you think they were talking about this time?" And the reply, "Probably who's going to be on the bottom tonight."
Obi Wan looked up at his master. "Who is going to be on the bottom tonight?"


Title: HST: Anal Intercourse: The Class part 2
Author: 'chelle monroe@globalnetisp.net
Series: Humaniod Sexual Techiniques story 7 part 2
Rating: still PG
Archive: M & A; SWC; The Rising Force; anyone else please ask
Category: Humor/parody
Pairing: Q/O
Feedback: Always both welcome and appreciated.
Disclaimer: They're George's. I'm still hoping he'll forgive me.
Summary: Obi Wan teaches sex education.
Warnings: Spew. This half is funnier than the first half.
Notes: You all know who birthed this bunny by now. I'm convinced that Aussie bunnies are the most virulent.
Thank you to kaly for having the courage to beta for me. I understand things are getting ugly over in tpm. Don't threaten her too much 'cause if I lose my beta reader for this series... Let's just say there might never be any smut. And I have such plans for those beads.
"Who is going to be on the bottom tonight?"
Qui Gon wrapped his arms around his padawan and pulled him close. "Are you saying you wish to try anal intercourse?" As he asked, he nuzzled the younger man's neck.
Obi Wan tilted his head, offering Qui Gon greater access. "Ummm."
Qui Gon lifted his head and smiled briefly at Obi Wan before kissing him soundly. *I am perfectly willing to be on the bottom.*
*I thought you'd say that.*
Qui Gon broke the kiss. "Why?"
Obi Wan flushed. "Well, uh, Master Yoda once told me that you were always on the bottom."
"He what?" Obi Wan tried not to flinch at the anger in Qui Gon's voice.
"He said that because of your size you were always on the bottom. That there was not enough lube on all of Coruscant..."
"I see." Qui Gon's voice was cold. "And when, exactly, did he tell you these things?"
"It was about five, maybe six, years ago. Do you remember the box I received in the mail?"
"It didn't come in the mail. But yes I remember. What does this have to do with Yoda?"
"He found me using the device in the box. And, well, we sorta had this conversation about sex..." Obi Wan's voice trailed off.
"During which Master Yoda told you that I was always on the bottom." Qui Gon finished.
Obi Wan nodded, "Yes, Master."
"That little green troll. What did he think he was doing discussing my sex life with my padawan?"
"I think that he was trying to reassure me, Master."
"Reassure you of what?"
"That I'm well, that I'm adequately endowed."
"You are more than adequately endowed, Obi Wan."
"I realize that now. But I was just a kid at the time and when I compared myself to you..."
Qui Gon slumped into a nearby chair. The ease with which he did it made Obi Wan wonder if all of the wiggling he usually did when trying to sit anywhere else in the classroom was really necessary. He rested his elbows on the desk with his head in his hands. "It really is a curse, you know."
"Your size?"
"I am always on the bottom," Qui Gon replied miserably.
"You don't have to be with me, Master." Qui Gon looked up at him hopefully. "We'll take turns."
"Are you sure Obi Wan? Because I really am..."
Obi Wan interrupted him. "I know. I am intimately familiar with your dimensions, remember?" Qui Gon flushed slightly. "And I intend to become even more familiar with them." As he said the last he settled himself onto Qui Gon's lap and bestowed a long sensuous kiss on his master's willing lips. *Besides I think all of the lube on Coruscant is in Master J'lath's box.* Qui Gon's chuckle went completely unheard.
They were still kissing when Yoda entered the room. "Qui Gon, Obi Wan, demonstrating again, are you? Thought Oral Stimulation level one was days ago, I did."
Obi Wan did not make any effort to move. "It was Master Yoda. We're just practicing for the final exam."
Yoda's ears picked up slightly. "Obi Wan, instructor you are. Need to take final exam you do not."
Obi Wan turned and thumped his master on the arm. "You lied to me. How could you?" he exclaimed and ran from the room.
Yoda watched the door close behind him. "Funny, that was not."
"No."
"Mischievous, your Padawan is."
"Yes, Master. Almost as mischievous as a certain Jedi Master I know."
Yoda nodded slowly. "Master Windu."
"No, a short Jedi Master."
"Adi, mischievous as well."
"A short, green Jedi Master."
"Yaddle," Yoda agreed sadly. He looked up at Qui Gon widening his eyes and allowing his ears to droop. "Many jokes, played on me, she has."
"No, Master. A short, green Jedi Master who is very familiar with the sound of Galactic Get-Offs patented self-powered motor, and in possession of an annoying tendency to interfere in other people's private affairs."
"How private you think it is, when conduct demonstrations you do? Hmmmm?"
"We were not conducting any demonstrations when you told Obi Wan that I am always on the bottom."
"Ahhh. Sad for you, I was, my Padawan. Never to know that exquisite tight heat, you were."
Qui Gon shook his head. "So you felt compelled to discuss this supposed misfortune with my apprentice?"
Master Yoda raised himself to his full height. "No. Preventing his fall, I was. Envied you he did. Wish to lose another apprentice did you?"
A long sigh. "No, Master."
"Well, then, help you I did."
He never won. Qui Gon hung his head. Not even when Yoda was blindingly, obviously wrong. He still never won.
"Besides got you hot monkey sex, I did."
Qui Gon looked up. "Hot monkey sex," he repeated carefully. There was only one place his master could have learned that phrase. "Master, did you renew your subscription to Humanoid Hustler?"
Yoda banged his gimmer stick on the floor, saying gleefully, "Yes, missed it I did."
"How? I thought they were never send you another issue after the letters incident."
Yoda leaned forward. "Subscribed under Mace's name I did."
"I thought Mace already had a subscription."
"Use your name, he did."
Somehow, Qui Gon wasn't surprised. "Master, how did you get me hot monkey sex?"
"Turned Obi Wan's envy to lust, I did. Grateful you should be."
"Yes, Master."
"Get lunch, we should." Qui Gon rose and the two began to walk to the dining hall.
"Heard much about Obi Wan and demonstration for Oral Stimulation Level Two, I have. True, is it?"
"Master, I will not discuss my Padawan with you or anyone else in such a fashion."
"Why? Tells me he does." Yoda's eyes were widening again. "Told me you excel at kissing he did. If he tells, why not you?"
"He was just humoring you."
"Then excel at kissing you do not." The ears drooped again. "Disappointed, I am. In seven hundred years, never have I had a Padawan who could not kiss well."
Qui Gon stifled his sigh. He never won. He just never won.