Author:  Jenner
Title:   Innuendo
Rating:   It could be R or it could be G – from a certain point
of view.
Feedback: Of course, and I can take the rough stuff.
Summary:  What if you could write a story that could be read aloud by
a five year old without blushing, but that same story would get you
fired if you sent it over work email?  In this attempt at just that,
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan plan a retreat, but it's interrupted by a
local plot complication – er…I mean, interrupted by a local
crisis.


It's all in the spirit of perversity...


…


Obi-Wan Kenobi scratched absently where his lightsaber slapped
lightly against his body as he walked off the transport.  He briefly
wondered why it always seemed to shift to the left when he walked. 
He finished scratching and shifted it back over.

Qui-Gon Jinn watched his Padawan with an emotion that bordered on
frustration as they disembarked on the planet Su-shiba.  Everyone did
it privately, but when would Obi-Wan learn there were just some
things Jedi didn't do in public?  Discreetly, he blocked the local
dignitary's view of Obi-Wan's bad habit with his large, rigid body as
he jutted forward to greet Governor Johnthomas.

Obi-Wan drank deeply of his surroundings, swallowing it all in one
gulp.  The azure sky, the pulsing, throbbing, burning suns…

Both Master and Padawan observed Johnthomas swell as the two Jedi
rubbed their hands on him in the local greeting custom.  The Governor
seemed very happy to see them.  The Jedi assumed he was pleased that
a large percentage of his entourage had witnessed his intercourse
with the Jedi.  This would surely raise his social standing.  Qui-Gon
mused that it would be good for Obi-Wan to spend time here with these
galactically unsophisticated people before they began their seclusion
trip. 

Obi-Wan studied the alien's large buck teeth and flat, paddle-shaped
tail, trying to remember what his specie's shape of face reminded him
of.  He thought for a second, 'What were they called?  Barvers?  No,
it was Bleavers...yeah...that's it...'  He remembered that female
Bleavers were prone to teasing.  It was only permitted during certain
times of the months, and he was fairly sure that he and Qui-Gon had
planned their trip around it.  Still, he would be on guard.

The Governor eagerly leaned over to the Jedi, slightly rubbing
against the rough fabric of Qui-Gon's cloak after they boarded a
large, elongated speeder together.  "Thank you so much for choosing
Mr. Happy's for your vacation spot.  You probably don't realize, but
your just being here raises my status greatly.  I've been trying to
get a new statute erected in the Planetary Duma for months, and when
word gets out that two Jedi have seen fit to vacation at a ranch in
my jurisdiction, I'll be sure to get it into the next opening."  The
Governor smiled broadly and slapped Qui-Gon on the thigh, "You'll be
giving me my next erection!" he ejaculated happily.

'Mmmmm, creamy...' thought Obi-Wan as he drank deeply of the hot
drink that had been thrust upward into his waiting mouth when he'd
boarded the speeder.  There were also mushroom-shaped cookies to dip
in the creamy drink, so he helped himself to one.  The shape of them
seemed odd for cookies, but Qui-Gon was always saying he should
experiment.  He dipped a cookie into the oval cup opening, dunking it
in and out rhythmically as the Governor was doing with his.  "It's
not exactly a vacation," he piped up at the Governor's statement.  He
pulled out the mushroom tip, hot creamy fluid dripping as he raised
it to his lips.  Just then, the speeder hit an air pocket and bumped,
pitching him slightly forward and making the dripping head come
almost right on his Master.  The hot, milky fluid splattered his
Master's beard.  Qui-Gon appeared to be his usual calm self, but Obi-
Wan could sense his momentary roiling inner turmoil, passionate and
engulfing.

Qui-Gon swallowed the sudden bitter taste in his own mouth, wondering
where it had come from.  'Odd,' he thought, 'must have been something
I last ate.  Chunky.'  His tongue stroked relentlessly across his
teeth, looking for a small chunk of something and pulling it out of
one tooth as he replied to the Governor, gently correcting his
excitement, "Obi-Wan is right.  This is much more than a vacation for
my Padawan and I.  It's an important right of passage for both Master
and Padawan," he gave a small smile of reassurance. 

The Governor seemed to have become extremely sleepy all of a
sudden.  "Yes, uh...that's sounds all right," he murmured non-
comittedly, trying to remember Qui-Gon's name.  "We'll be there soon,
it's just on the edge of town."

The speeder soon came to a shuddering stop and Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan
both slipped out together.  They thanked the Governor and his men for
the ride and strode into Mr. Happy's. 

They walked towards the squat dwelling place where they'd made
arrangements.  Obi-Wan's lightsaber swung between his legs as he
walked, and he adjusted again.  "I'll be glad to get a
shower,
Master.  That ride was satisfying, but somehow I feel sticky."

"I don't know about satisfying, my Padawan, but I'll be
glad to get
rid of these blue balls," Qui-Gon replied, as he held up the odd
present the Governor had left him with.  He had tried to politely
decline the gift, but the ride had lasted too long, and the Governor
had succeeded in saddling him with these small, twitching objects
that now bounced near his lightsaber.

A bleaver gushed all over the two Jedi as she caught site of
them, "Oh, welcome, come in, come in.  I'm sure you'll be very happy
here until your ready to begin your foreplay."

Obi-Wan started to correct her Basic, "You mean 'foray'..." but the
bleaver was already hiding herself away.

Qui-Gon shook his head slightly at the tiny opening she disappeared
through.  "Both of us are far too large to fit into that opening."

Her head popped back out, glistening wet, "No, no, you'll stay over
there at the top of this house. This is just the supply cabinet." 
The furry lady paused, looking at both Jedi, "My name is Canalufluv,
I already know both your names," she smiled a big smile, showing the
red, wet expanse, then continued on to bring the Jedi to the
climax.  "You'll both be so much help here at the ranch!" Canalufluv
dripped, "We cook over an open fire on this ranch and we have to
gather fuel twice daily.  You'll learn how to get it yourself.  
Evening wood I'll show you how to gather later.  But for now, get a
good night's rest, and tomorrow I'll give you both morning wood."

Obi-Wan felt his excitement droop as the bleaver left and they
climbed into the bed.  "What will we do here, Master?  What am I
supposed to learn from this backdoor planet?"  Qui-Gon had not told
him exactly what he wanted out of this encounter.  Sometimes it was
hard to know just what his Master liked or didn't like, he was so
stoic, especially when anything popped up in bed.

"Just relax and let yourself be stimulated, Obi-Wan.  I'm sure you'll
learn many useful skills for the future.  What if some day you had to
submit to existence in rudimentary quarters? You'll be glad you had
this experience, especially with someone older to explain how it all
works on such a primal level."  Qui-Gon drifted off, remembering
Mace's words, 'My padawans have learned to surrender to me quickly,
Qui-Gon.  Why does Obi-Wan inflame you with his vocalizations?'  It
was something Qui-Gon sometimes dreamed of at night, sometimes, as he
lay in bed, finally to awake, breathing heavily. 

...

Obi-Wan awoke the next morning to feel something long and plump,
straining and pulsing against his hot lower body.  He molded his body
against the mattress, wondering where Qui-Gon was.  He tried not to
be afraid of the strange sensation he was experiencing and stretched
out with the Force to find the source of it.

A fire, burning and intense, suddenly filled the young Padawan as Qui-
Gon slid in through the backdoor to their quarters.  "Mmm, that's a
tight fit," Qui-Gon murmurmed as he cocked his head and rolled his
hips forward to squeeze through the tight entry, muscles quivering
with retraint so as not to tear it.  The Bleaver's houses were filled
with mysterious things, but the houses themselves were made of a thin
membrane like material. 

Noting Obi-Wan was still just lying there in bed, he commented "Did
you think I'd leave you alone to play with yourself all day?  Not
when there are eager bleavers waiting-" Qui-Gon's words were cut off
as he noticed Obi-Wan's state.  "Padawan?  You look hot and
bothered." 

He was answered by Obi-Wan's sudden, long, and intense moan.  Qui-Gon
ripped off the sheets with ferocity, uncovering his Padawan's lithe
and writhing form.  His lightsaber sprang to life in an instant at
the site of what lay beside his Padwan's body, pumping fluid into
him, filling the young apprentice.  He conquered the creature with a
twist of his saber and flung it away, the once rigid body now flaccid.

Obi-Wan came to and mumbled as Qui-Gon shook him.  "Padawan, you've
been violated by a one-eyed trouser snake," he said sternly, trying
to keep the situation firmly in his grasp.  Seeing that Obi-Wan was
still mostly unresponsive to his ministrations, he decided others
should join in.

Obi-Wan arched up and allowed Qui-Gon to take him fully.  He was
barely conscious in the misdst of the passion.  Qui-Gon easily took
him and brought him to Canalufluv, explaining the situation quickly.

Canalufluv was undisturbed as she observed Obi-Wan's condition.  "Oh,
just a pill and he'll be alright.  Though this seems horrible,
there's a lot worse things you can get from a trouser-snake."

"I'm glad this won't interfere with our foray," Qui-Gon breathed his
relief as his Padawan sat up, panting slightly.  He offered some
water, which was gratefully accepted.

Obi-Wan took the cup and sucked the lip gently into his mouth,
drinking deeply and eagerly, lapping up any excess fluid.  He was
left with a glistening chin and mouth.  "Thank you, Master.  The
creature took me totally by surprise.  I should have fought it off,"
he finished, eyes unable to meet Qui-Gon's.

"Padawan, there was nothing you could do.  The creature would not
have released you until he shot his full load into you," he put a
comforting arm around Obi-Wan's shoulders.  "Canalufluv says they're
very common here.  It's happened to everyone."

"Master, what if there's a next time?  How will I defend myself?" 
Obi-Wan latched on to Qui-Gon, trying to quell is excitement.

Canalufluv spurted out, "I'm sorry!  I should have told you before it
got this far!  Forgive me for not reminding you, but I am distracted
by something else.  Trouser snakes always give a warning sign before
pumping you until your sick.  When they become inflamed by your
presence, they will poke you insistently in the back.  They can't
help it, and it gives you the chance to defend yourself.  Trouser
snakes are also semi-sentient.  They will avoid anyone with any signs
of sickness.  Stay alert for a poke in the back, then just loudly
announce that you have a headache.  The trouser snake will assume
you're sick and leave meekly, seeking another way to satisfy itself."

Qui-Gon briefly wondered why this method sounded so familiar, but
pressed on.  "How can we repay you for your accomodation and
ministration, Canalufluv?"

Canalufluv perked up.  "No payment is ever necessary for services
rendered, Jedi.  It would be illegal for me to charge you."

Qui-Gon reached down and rubbed her compassionately with his
thumb, "At least tell me what has you distracted."

Canaufluv quivered at the Jedi's touch.  "
It's…it's not something I'd
usually share with near strangers, but…my Aunt Flo is a week
late. 
I'm very worried.  She comes each month, and she should've
been here
by now."

Qui-Gon pulled back, for one of the few times in his life unsure what
to say.  He opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly there was
noise coming from the front of the house.

Seconds later, Canalufluv's Aunt Flo came through the entryway.
The
two Jedi felt a wave of enormous relief flood over Canalufluv at the
site of her Aunt.  The two embraced briefly, then seemed to stand far
apart.  Obi-Wan guessed it was a love-hate relationship.

Canalufluv then immediately demanded what had taken her Aunt so long
to arrive. 

Flo explained quickly, "The family jewels have been stolen."

Canalufluv was stricken, slumping loosely against the wall.
"How's
Uncle?"

"He's impotent with rage.  All he can do it lie there curled
into a
fetal position with his eyes squeezed tightly shut.  It's up to
us to
get them back."  There was desperation in Flo's eyes.
"Maybe I have
an idea.  We could get then back if we had a cock to douse with."

She turned to the Jedi, "I'm a member of the Governor's
cock teasing
gild."

Both Jedi nodded.  They'd been briefed on the planet wide sport
of
cock fighting.  The cocks were large, hairless and wrinkled.  The
almost sessile male creatures fought over territory by spitting at
each other's wrinkled faces, hoping to impress and mate with the
females.  For thousands of years, the cocks had been bred to be more
and more competitive with each other through constant fighting.  The
cock teasers were responsible for frustrating the cocks to the point
of near constant spitting. 

There was one other use for cocks, though, that was not publicized
for obvious reasons.  Certain ones could find even the most hidden
and disguised jewels with amazing accuracy.  The phenomenon had been
dubbed "gaydar".  The Jedi Council had investigated the
creatures for
possible Force use as it seemed the cocks had some sort of
rudimentary brains, but it was determined that they were untrainable
since they only had one repeating thought. 

Canalufluv was now apologizing that she was sobbing in front of the
Jedi.  "I'm sorry, jewels are important to our family, but I
shouldn't cry.  I always get so emotional when Flo's
here," she
sobbed into Qui-Gon's waiting arms.   

"That's quite all right," he crooned softly.  "My
Padawan and I are
well aware how important such things can be."  The Jedi shared a
brief, penetrating glance, both cringing at the pain they knew this
would bring.

Obi-Wan was standing in the corner, playing with his Jedi rock and
finding himself oddly attracted to Flo, despite her strangeness.  In
a way, she repulsed him, but he found himself curious about her. 

While Qui-Gon comforted Canalufluv, Flo noticed the young Jedi
staring at her.  She thought she'd better say something.
"You're
rock is a strange shape."

Obi-Wan blushed, glad Qui-Gon was distracted enough by the flood of
emotion emanating from Canalufluv that he wouldn't notice.  He
wished
he had a pair of rocks to show her, but Qui-Gon had only given him
the one.  Sometimes it was oddly embarrassing just to have the one
dangling there by his lightsaber. Still, he thought it's unique
properties made the one worth two.  "It's very special.
It'll make
you warm all over if you touch it," he said quietly. 

Flo laughed.  "Yeah, I've heard that line before…"

With Qui-Gon's ministrations, Canalufluv had wrung herself dry.
She
still felt hungry as she damply looked at the three people in the
room.  "Let's eat.  I've gathered the wood for the
fire."

Obi-Wan was still concerned.  "What about the jewels?" 

Canalufluv laughed, hormones shifting rapidly.  "Oh, you
can't deny
the body its needs for too long.  Food first." 

They followed her to the cooking dugout and stood as she hummed away,
bringing out breakfast.  The light from the suns streamed in through
the large, open window.  She noticed the Jedi's shared look of
uncertainty at the unfamiliar foodstuffs.  "Oh, don't worry,
I
stocked up on satisfying edibles that would accommodate human
physiology.  And besides," she added, "you can't beat our
meat!"

Qui-Gon lifted the juicy, fragrant morsel to his soft lips and gently
chewed, savoring the flavor.  "It's quite good.  What animal
is this
from, if I may inquire?"

Flo's mouth moved around her mouthful of meat.  "Baloney
Poney.  You
can see one out the window.  We ride them as well."

Both Jedi looked curiously out the window. Obi-Wan licked his
lips, "I'd like to ride one, Master."

Canalufluv spoke as she served more food, "You might be able to
ride
that one, but we'd have to find a bigger one for your Master.
That
one's not even 1000 pounds."

Obi-Wan smiled at the picture in his mind of Qui-Gon riding a Baloney
Poney, legs bent but firmly on the ground, head thrown back, eyes
closed in the warm light of the suns.  "Yes," he agreed,
"Even a
thousand pounds of thundering meat between my Master's thighs
wouldn't be enough." 

…



In Part II, if I don't decide this story is too stupid to live,
we'll
see Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan in a search for the family jewels… 

Has anyone else tried anything like this or am I breaking into virgin
territory?  :)