Mace Windu and some other Hot Jedi walk onto scene

Mace: Yo! Yo! Yo! Check it out! Palpatine and a Sith
were running the show. They killed lots of people so
they could steal their dough. A reign of terror took
over space. There was no one to retaliate and they
thought they were ace! I said Hey!

Hot Jedi: Hey!

Mace: I said Hey!

Hot Jedi: Hey!

Mace: I said Hey Nany nany and a ho ho ho

The people were unhappy, the crowd was low. They had
no place to turn to but there was no where to go. They
needed some heros but no one could be found cuz all
the Jedi were outta town! I said hey!

Jedi: Hey!

Mace: I said Hey!

Jedi: Hey!

Mace: Hey nany nany hey nany nany hey nany nany and a
here we go! check it out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anakin Skywalker is led by Imperials into a prison,
same kind of scene from MIT but a stormtrooper is the
Happy Chappy

TC-421: Ah! hello! hello! welcome! welcome! to ler
Dungeon! I'm TC-421. Allow me to show you to your
cell. come.

He leads Anakin into a huge room with a low door.
Anakin hits his head on the doorframe

TC-421: Duck. Oops. I always forget about that.(looks
at Anakins clean shaven face)I'm so sorry! but we
cannot seat you with out the proper attire. See?

He indicates to all guys with beards. Signals a Battle
Droid to put a fake beard on Anakin

TC-421: ah, that is much better. Now I'll leave you in
the capable hands of Darth Vader, he's our head guard.
(vader growls menacingly) <whispers> please its better
you co operate with him. He's a tough guy! And if
there's anything you require, please don't hesitate to
scream! (scream is heard) COMING! see? we're so busy!

He walks out banging his head on the damn doorframe

Vader: Follow me. (indicates to chair) Please sit.

Anaking sits

Vader: Anakin Skywalker of Courasant! Where is you
King?

Anakin: King? King? and which king might that be? King
Louie? King Richard? King Kong? Larry King? To be
frank, I have no idea who these people are. And by the
way he's a Jedi Master, not a King.

Vader: You Impertanent republic dog! you shall talk!

Anakin: I don't think so

Vader: Piett! Please! the tounge looseners!

Piett hands over tongs. Vader grabs Anakins tounge
with them. These tongs have a shocker in them.

Vader: speak you dog! speak!

Anakin shakes his head. Vader shocks his tounge.
Anakin brings his hands to his mouth and gags.

Vader: (subheaded) Take him over there

Anakin: What did his say?

Piett: You don't wanna know.

Piett leads Anakin over to a seat with a girl already
sitting on it. While Piett is putting binders on
Anakin, they talk

Eirtae: You are very brave

Anakin: Thanks

Eirtae: I have been in this hell hole for a while.
Maybe I can answer any questions you have?

Anakin: What are you in for?

Eirtea: <sighs> painting my nails

Anakin: oookay. It's not going to be easy getting out
of here. What we need is a great feat of strength.

Eirtae: Feat of strength? ocontrair! Now that you are
here with me, what we have is great strength of feet!

Anakin: what?

Eirtae: Just put both feet on the bar dipshit. Now
KICK!

Bar comes away from wall. Piett comes to investigate

Piett: What was that? What was that noise?

Anakin: What noise? DId you hear a noise?

Eirtae: nope. Piett, go stick this up your ass and
rotate! <sticks middle finger up>

Piett: Um, will it hurt?

Eirtae: no of course not. there are some spare fingers
in the torture chamber

Piett: ok! <runs out, runs back in> where?

Eirtae: In the blood bath.

Piett runs out closing door behind him

Eirtae: Ok get that chain over there I'll get this
one.

Anakin: yeah whatever.

They free the others

Various Prisoner: I'm free! Yes!

They all get out via a garbage chute. A very Large
garbage chute and end up in a dumpster. Piett comes
back into dungeon

Piett: Eirtae you liar! you said it wouldn't hurt!
And...and....and I am in deep shit

Eirtae and Anakin stand on a landing ramp saying their
goodbyes

Eirtae: It is a very long way from Dantooine to
Corusant, Dipshit. By the way. I'm Eirtae sister of
Kitster.

Anakin: Kitster?

Eirtae: <hands him a holograph> yeah. He's an exchange
student on Corrusant. Look after him for me or Mum
will have my guts for garters.

Anakin: I'm Anakin Skywalker. Yeah I'll look after
him. I'd better go.

Eirtae: See ya Anakin. And thanks!

She keeps waving as the ship flies out of sight.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Corusant:

Anakin falls down the boarding ramp and kisses the
floor of the docking bay then looks up at the big sign
that says "CORUSANT"

Anakin: Home! Home! Corusant! <kisses the floor again>
A speeder. A speeder. My Kingdom for a speeder <to the
Audience> Not that I have a Kingdom Mind you.<back to
Movie>

Anakin pilots the speeder through the crowded streets
of Corusant and gets stuck in a traffic jam.

Anakin: Bloody hell. I forgot why I hated Corusant
sometimes.

Looks around and sees a vaguely familiar guy getting
beaten up by Stormtroopers and Battledroids

Anakin: Kitster?!

Stormtroopers and Battledroids: No! Santa Clause!

Anakin decides to ignore that comment and looks at the
holograph that Eirtea gave him.

Anakin: thats got to be him.

He parks the speeder and heads over to the fight

Kitster: Geez! I hope someones taping this!

Anakin shoots the Battledroids and some of the
Stormtroopers with one of the discarded Blasters on
the ground. Grabs a Stormtrooper in a headlock and
chokes him

Anakin: Watch my back!

Stormtrooper punches Anakin in the back and Anakin
hits him in the head

Kitster: You just got punched twice.

Anakin: Thanks!

They shake hands

Kitster: Hey, who the hell are you anyway?

Stormtroopers start to get up and surround them.

Anakin: I think now is not the time for Introductions

Kitster: TIME OUT! scuse me bad guys, but this is
unfair. We have no weapons

Anakin: Don't worry about it!

Kitster: Oh. OKay. TIME IN!

Anakin: By the way, do you know Wookiee Karate?

Kitster: Your looking at an expert.

They beat the shit out of remaining Stortroopers

Stormtrooper: Oy! You haven't seen the last of us!

Anakin shoots him in the chest with concealed blaster

Stormtrooper: You've seen the last of us. <dies>

Anakin: Good work Kitster

Kitster: Thanks dude.

Seepder:

Anakin and Kitster come up on an Imperial building
with a For Sale sign out front.

Anakin: What the...?

Fat Dude: You want to buy?

Anakin: No! This is my house Fat Shit!

Fat Dude: Nah. Here.

He hands Anakin a data-pad.

Anakin: <reading> For failer to pay back taxes, all
land building and property belonging to the Family of
Skywalker have been taken away.
Signed Palpatines royal accountant

Crap Per

This is a Sham! I vow here and now to restore my
familys land!

Fat Dude: Yeah yeah you vow, we sell!

Anakin walks inside. First thing he sees is the
Families best friend Mace Windu

Anakin: Mace?!

Mace: Anakin? Is it really you? I thought you were
locked up? I was trying to find some of my friends to
go get you out.

Anakin: Well I got out. Not on my own. With a little
help. This is my friend Kitster.

Mace: nice to meet you Kitster.

Kitster: Yeah. Pleasure.

The hear a scream out side and decide to invetigate.
They walk outside only for Anakin to get knocked over
by a Dug, Selbulba.

Sebulba: <subtitled> Their after me! SHit! help me!

Anakin: <subtitled> Calm down Slimeball, whos after
you?

Sebulba: <subtitled> them!

He points to a group of Stormtroopers following a Guy
in long black robes. Obviously Maul.

Maul: Over that Dug hand!

Anakin: In english please

Maul: Oh. Hand over that Dug.

Anakin: why? whats he done?

Maul: He was caught trying to get into the imperial
palace

Anakin: So?

Maul: Oh forget it. Just hand him over.

Anakin: Gladly <kicks Sebulba in the arse and collects
the reward money.> But, somethings missing

He ignites his lightsaber and chops Mauls belt, making
his pants fall down.

Anakin: oh I'm so sorry. <grins>

Maul: oooo Your gonna pay for that. Who the hell are
you anyway?

Anakin: I'm Anakin Skywalker.

Maul: Oh I've heard of you. They say your pretty good
with a lightsaber. Lets find out!

He ignights his lightsaber but it just sputters and
dies out almost instantly. Anakin however has his at
the ready and cuts the break cord of the Speeder that
Mauls in, sending the speeder careening down the
street.

Maul: SSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT!

Anakin, Kitster and Mace all laugh heartily.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Padme: <singing>.........when will I hear him call
Padme, Padme. He is the one who can me my life whole.
Joyful forever more. I've waited so patiently for a
true love. When will he come for me. WHere is he,
where is he! oh! <breaking glass is heard, she looks
over to the window and sees a Holocamera just making
its way out> Where is the man who carries the key?When
will he be with his Padme? Padme! I can not wait till
he set my heart free! Oh when will I know him? When
will I see him? When will I hear him say Padme My
love?

Yane walks in with towels and looks at her and rolls
her eyes

Yane: Hurry up your Highness. Get out of that stupid
tub before the tin begins to rust and I will be on my
hands and knees for a week trying to get the rust
stains off.

Padme: Alright Yane. Dont have Cardiac Arrest.

Yane: this Palace can get so drafty!

She claps her hands once and a fire springs up in the
fireplace.

Yane: ah, toasty warm!

A bird flies on the windowsill

Padme: Oh Yane look! a happy bird. But its making a
mess. Oh well. <to bird> Hello. <bird flies onto her
finger> Oh, discusting, he'll ruin my manicure. I wish
That some nice fella came and unlocked this bloody
chastity belt. Im busting for a pee.

Yane: The bird just crapped on your finger Padme

Padme: Oh yuck! <wipes fingers on a cloth>

Maul barges thru the door, covered in bruises

Maul: Prince Palpatine! I must speak with you!

Palpatine: Yeah what do you want? Go away everyone
except Maul

Maul: Master, I have news

Palpatine: And what kind of news do you have? Not good
news you know I cant stand good news. I'm going to be
pissed off If its good news. now what kind of News is
it?

Maul: Well to be perfectly honest-

Palpatine: A Sith is never honest Maul.

Maul: oh, right. Well, its good news.

Palpatine: Great, well what is this fucking good news?

Maul: Anakin Skywalker broke out of Prison.

Palpatine: Shit. How do you know?

Maul: Just saw him. He humiliated me in front of Tons
of people.

Palpatine: Well, well,well. Its time you got
humiliated. I must remember to thank him...oh wait,
Sith never give thanks.

Maul: What are we to do?

Palpatine: Play along with him at this point. He cant
do anything that Blue Force Lightning cant handle.

Maul: What are we going to do Because He is on the
light side sir.

Palpatine: Oh. Well what to do? Ah, I know. Sabe.
The ugly chick in the dungeon. the one who protects my
life.

Maul: Yeah, Sabe is ugly.

The sound of a turbo lift going down at full speed is
heard. Palpatine Gets out looking slightly sick

Palpatine: Sabe? Sabe? I need to talk with you! EW! Oh
its you. Listen. What do you know about Anakin
Skywalker?

Sabe: Anakin Skywalker? Anakin Skywalker is a Young
Jedi who seeks to regain his familys honour. Little
Bastard could be trouble.

Palpatine: Are you certain?

Sabe: Certain? You want certain hire yourself a proper
witch. I just cook for you. Here. Eat this.

She puts a Wookie,Rodian,Hutt stir fry in front of
him.

Palpatine: Gross. Bitch, you don't know how to cook.

Sabe: Thats what you always say.

Palpatine: So what about this Skywalker Shit?

Sabe: Maybe I could devise a plan on how to get rid of
him But you must help me.

Palpatine: Yeah? what do you want?

Sabe: Darth Maul. He is a sex symbol.

Palpatine: I drug him for you when he has his nightly
grog.

Sabe: thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anakin, Kitster and Mace are in the speeder. They come
to a Park that formerly belonged to the Skywalkers.
There is a bridge with a tall man with long brown hair
standing there as if guarding.

Anakin: Right, lets see what this is all about.

They all get out of the speeder and walk towards the
bridge.

Anakin: Uh, hey, Fella. you wanna get out of the way?
we wanna get to the other side of the park.

Qui-Gon: I say, Uh, No. This is my bridge.

Anakin: no its not! this bridge and park are on my
familys land! Well, I guess it used to be my familys
land.

Qui-Gon: Hey, aren't you Anakin Skywalker?

Anakin: yeah. How'd you know?

Qui-Gon: Wow. Rumor had it you were locked up in the
outer regions.

Anakin: Yeah, that I was. Now let me pass.

Qui-Gon: Sorry. But I got and claimed this park.

Anakin: Riiiiight. well. Ok, do I have to fight you
for it?

Qui-Gon: I guess so. Are you Jedi or Sith?

Anakin: Duh. Jedi, Dipshit. SO..... <gets his saber
ready>

Qui-Gon: OK. <gets his saber ready also> Obi-Wan,
Watch please.

Another comes into sight. Shorter stockier and a
Padawan Braid hanging over his shoulder.

Anakin and Qui-gon start to fight. They clash and
thrash. Thrust. Parry. Block. Parry. Thrust. Finally,
Anakin wins the minor battle by knocking Qui-Gon down
and Pointing the saber under his chin. He grins

Anakin: Looks like you lost Jedi man.

Qui-Gon looks suprised then grins. Anakin reaches down
and helps him up.

Qui-Gon: Anakin, you are a worth fighter. I'm Qui-Gon
Jinn.

Anakin: <eyes go round> The Qui-Gon Jinn? I beat a
famous Jedi Master?! Wizard!

Qui-Gon: This is my Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Obi-Wan: Yeah thats me. <grinning>

Qui-Gon: He's deadly with Viro-blades as well as a
lightsaber.

Anakin: really? Demonstration maybe?

Obi-Wan: sure. <Hands him a blaster> alright, fire as
many shots as you like. I'll bet I can deflect them
all.

Anakin: okay.

Anakin fires many shots at Obi-Wan and quick as
lightning, his viro-blades are out and deflecting
every single one.

Mace suddenly realises who Qui-GOn and Obi-Wan are.

Mace: Qui?! Obi?!

Qui-Gon: Mace!?

Obi-Wan: Master Windu?! Geez, life is getting weirder
by the second.

Obi-Wan puts his viroblades away and comes over to
Anakin and Kitster.

Obi-Wan: So whos this?

Anakin: oh. sorry. Obi-Wan this is Kitster.

Kitster: Cool moves Jedi man.

Obi-Wan grins and shakes Kitsters hand

Anakin: So, what do we do now?

Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Kitster,and Mace all look at each
other and shrug.

Mace: I know for a fact that Palpatines having a
party. Want to go crash it?

Others nod in agreement.

Padme comes down the stairs in a royal gown for the
party. She takes her place next to Palpatine,
wrinkling her nose as if there is a foul smell there.

Palpatine: Padme, you know our Sith Lord, Darth Maul,
don't you?

Padme: Yes, <mutters> Unfortunately

Maul: You look very beautiful my dear. Such exquisit
luxuries from all over the galaxy. Bananas,
passionfruits and dates. would you care for a
PASSIONfruit?

Padme: Oh yes thankyou

Maul: come to my quarters after the party.

Padme glares at him and ignores him as he takes her
hand and begins to kiss it.

CRASH! The door flies off its hinges and knocks the
Stormtroopers guarding it, unconsious.

Anakin: Evening folks. What do ya do for kicks round
here?

Maul: Thats him! Skywalker!

Anakin walks in and puts take out on the table.

Palpatine: Treyf.

Anakin: a Present for you and you fine guests.

Maul examines the box of McDonalds,KFC and Pizza Hut

Maul: where'd you get all this from?

Anakin: Strange place called Earth. They do home
deliveries.

Maul: oh...

Palpatine: So you're Anakin Skywalker huh?

Anakin: yeah thats me.

Padme: Oh <thinks> GORGEOUS!<speaks> I've heard about
you.

Anakin:<grins at her thought> And you are?

Padme: Padme Nereberrie

Anakin: I heard about you. Your more beautiful than I
imagined.

He kisses her hand Maul doesnt seem to like this.

Maul: <sputters> Is Foreign Dont Planet You It Know
Illegal To Food Buy Planet?!?!?!?

Anakin and Padme: What?

Maul: I mean: Don't you know it is illegal to buy
foreign planet food?!?!?!?

Anakin: Isn't also illegal to make a shit head like
you a Sith Lord?

Palpatine: No. I believe it is not illegal.

Anakin: Well, Make that two shit heads. Anyway, I came
to warn you that if you don't stop tormenting these
people, I will lead a revolt against you

Palpatine: You and what army?

Anakin: The Jedi.

Even as he says the simple word, Palpatine pales
visibly under his cloak.

Palpatine: Heh. Your to late young Anakin, They are
all dead.

Anakin: Oh I dont think so. <whistles>

Qui, Obi, Mace and Kitster all barge in and cause the
Hall to go crazy.

Kitster holds Obi-Wans Lightsaber as Obi-Wan uses his
viroblades.

Anakin: theres two of you, and five of us. Give in
now. and We might reconsider.

Palpatine: Treyf..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anakin, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan,Mace and Kitster are
surrounding Palpatine and Maul, grinning like hyenas

Maul: Dont worry, Master. I'll dispose of This Jedi
Scum.

He slaps Anakin full on the face

Maul: I challange you to a duel, Jedi.

Anakin unhooks his lightsaber-hilt, looks at it and
whacks it across Mauls face. Maul gets knocked down
from impact

Anakin: I accept.

Maul: So... it's come down to this has it?A fight to
the death. Mano are Mano. Man to Man. Just you and me
and my GUARDS!

Nothing happens.

Anakin: I didn't think Sith had guards, Stupid.

Maul: Oh yeah. That line was out of a movie I saw.

Maul suddenly ignites his lightsaber and brings it
down on Anakin. Anakin is ready for this, He fights
Maul with the grace of a cat. Liquid movements.
Palpatine, and Jedi are seen grabbing popcorn and
drinks and cheering their seperate sides on.

Mace: GO ANAKIN!

Palpatine: GO MAUL! <clap clap clap> GO MAUL!

Qui-Gon: USE THE FORCE!

Obi-Wan: Jedi rule! Sith drool!

Kitster: Oh shit. ANAKIN! WATCH OUT FOR FORCES SAKE!

Anakin deflects Mauls blows and Parrys back with
Force.
He uses the Force to find out which movements Maul is
going to use next. Maul calls a time out, panting.

Maul: Ok Ok enough.

Anakin: What a wimp. He said a fight to the death and
he has a fucking athsma attack in the middle of it.
Come on you guys. Mr Wimpy Sith is a pain in the rear.
Lets go.

The Jedi walk out of the hall and go back to the HUGE
apartment block they've rented. Before leaving, Anakin
blows a kiss the Padme. Yane catches it.

Yane: Oh no you dont Sucker. Shes mine.

Palpatine is in his quarters. Maul knocks and walks
in.

Maul: Master?

Palpatine: Hmm?

Maul: Strucky has Ani again.

Palpatine: What?

Maul: Anakin has struck again.

Palpatine: Oh Fuck. Not again. How many has it been
this time?

Maul: 3 of the prisners escaped with him.

Palpatine: At this rate there will be no prisners
left.

Maul: Can I show you something that some of the
stormtroopers have been working on?

Palpatine: Sure. But make it quick.

Maul: Its what they call an Ion cannon.

Palpatine: Wow. impressive. Whats it do?

Maul: It can shoot and destroy any rebel base with the
force of 2000 ordinary blasters Master.

Palpatine: Fascinating. SHow me how it works.

Maul is so dumb he actually climbs into the cannon to
show how it works.

Maul:...and then you push that button there-

Palpatine: What? Like this?

He pushes the button sending Maul going off into the
stratosphere.

Maul: SSSSSHHHHHIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sabe: Oh Gods, Please give me Maul-

Maul falls thru the window and onto the bed.

Sabe: THANK THE FORCE!

She gets horny and climbs all over him. Maul screams
and claims he has a headache and runs out at full
speed.

Sabe: Fuck. Come Back! <to Audience> I touched it. I
was this close and he got away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

continued from part 5 <finally!>

Luke Skywalker pilots his crappy little speeder down
the road. Its filled with barrels of liquer. Or sacred
wine. He turns around a corner and speeder starts to
act up. Up ahead he sees Anakin Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Mace
and Kitster. The Jedi have now found alot of new
candidates. Thanks to all the guys they got out of
prison.

Luke: Fucking crappy speeder, why do this to me now?

He slows to a stop near the Jedi.

Luke: Dad?! What the hell is going on?.... Oh, Hi
Obi-Wan....

Anakin: Luke,I'm interested, what do you do?oh. these
are my friends. Qui-Gon Jinn, Mace Windu, Kitster
Tanger.....

He introduces all the other guys.

Luke: Hello....I do circumcitions.

Jedi: Hey Luke.

Mace: Whats a circumcition?

Luke: Latest rage. The Ladies love it.

Big commotions starts out.

Anakin: What happens?

Luke: Well, I take my light sabre. I take you thing,
like this, then... Nip the tip. Whos First???

Jedi all cringe and wince.

Mace: I forgot, I already had one done.

Luke: I gotta work with a much younger crowd..

Anakin: Luke, I know your on the side of good. Would
you care to join us, since you are wiser than me,
maybe you could give us a bit of couselling and
wisdomn and perhaps.....some of your wine?

Luke: Wisdom and concelling no problem. But this is
sacremental wine. Its only used to bless things. Sorry
dad.

Jedi all sigh. Damn.

Luke: Wait! theres stuff here. theres people, there's
life, there's one city. Come on! we'll bless them all
until we get totally whacked out drunk!

Jedi all cheer and celebrate.

Authors note: Meela Harker helpsed me write this part
by providing me with some outrageous ideas! thanks
Meela!

********
Maul is standing in front of Jabba the Hutt, they are
talking about plots to kill Anakin Skywalker and his
band of merry men..oopsie, wrong movie, er, Jedi.
Merry Jedi. Boba Fett, Jabba's right hand man, (the
guy with the cigar) stands in a corner. The dumb ass
Archer dude sits in a chair. Jabba is holding the
Monkey-Lizard fella out of RotJ. The Monkey Lizard is
wearing a little shirt that says "For Fucks Sake, Help
Me before I rip Yer Bloody Head OFF!!!"

Maul: Good Evening Jabba.

Jabba: <subtitled> Yes. Yes. What the Hell do you
want?

Maul: I want you to help me get rid of Anakin
Skywalker

Jabba: <subtitled> You mean the little Piss Head freak
who won the Mos Espa Pod Race?

Maul: Yes. Thats him.

Jabba: <subtitled> Gladly, I must say though, How?

Maul: Anyway you want to. Just make sure it is
unexpected.

Jabba: <subtitled> Sure. Okay, tomorrow you have the
Imperial Contest of Contests, right?

Maul: Yes. That is true.

Jabba: <subtitled> You make the main event the Blaster
shot contest.

Maul: Okay. But you do realise that Anakin is the best
Blaster shot around, don't you?

Jabba: <subtitled> No. Thats not true. Neliae here is
better than him. Show him all the blasted medals you
have.

Neliae opens his outer cloak to reveal all medals.

Maul: Holy Shit!

Jabba: <subtitled> see? I couldn't put it better
myself. Anyway, while this Anakin fella is busy with
the contest, Boba Fett here will take care of him.

Maul: Take care of him?

Jabba: <subtitled> Okay you want it straight??? Anakin
will be dead. D-E-D. Dead.

All laugh nastily. Neliae Laughs stupidly, thinking,
what the fuck is going on? No one sees the shadow of
young Padme slip away to her quarters.

Padme: Yane! wake up! there is a foul plot afoot.

Yane: The chicken is loose again? and MY FEET DO NOT
SMELL!

Padme: No, no, no. Palpatine and Maul are planing to
kill Anakin. We have to go warn them!

Yane gasps

Yane: Wait, Padme! If Palpatine or Maul should see
us?!

Padme: Your right, quick into the speeder!

They clamber in and speed off into the night.

In the building where the Jedi are staying, Qui-Gon
and Obi-Wan are getting into their tights (mmm sexy!)

Qui-Gon: Blimey these are hard to get on! lets face
it, you've gotta be a Jedi to wear tights!

Obi-Wan grins and nods.

Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan? How're me seams?

Obi-Wan: Perfect....

Qui-Gon: Every time!

All Jedi Come into the lounge singing:

We're Jed, Jedi in tights
We roam around the Galaxy lookin for fights
We're Jed, Jedi in Ti-ights
We take from the Imps and give to the Reps its right!
We may look like dick-heads
But don't get us wrong or else we'll put out your
lights!
We're Jed, Jedi in tights!
Always on guard defending the good guys rights!

la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la la la,

We're Jed! (manly Jed!) Jedi in tights! YES!
We roam around the galaxy lookin for fights!
We're Jed, Jedi in Ti-ights,
We take from the Imps and give to the Reps, its right!
We may look like dipshits
But don't get us wrong or else we'll put out you
lights!
We're Jed, Jedi in tights! (Tight tights!)
Always on guard defending the good guys ri-ights!
When you're in a fix, just call for the Jedi in
Ti-ights!
We're tough!

***************

The low sound of a speeder draws the Jedi attention to
the window. Obi-Wan grins and calls Anakin.

Obi-Wan: Hey Anakin! It's your GIRLFRIEND!!!

Anakin blushes a deep red colour and runs to the door
and opens it for Padme and Yane.

Anakin: Padme! what are you doing here?

Padme: I've come to warn you, Palpatine and that Maul
fellow are planning to kill you at the Contest of
Contests tomorrow.

Anakin: I won't go then.

Padme: Oh good. They were going to try and lure you
there by having a blaster contest.

Anakin: A Blaster Contest?

Padme: Their blasterman is unbeatable.

Anakin: really?!

Padme: Anakin, promise you won't go.

Anakin: Alright, I promise you won't go.

Padme: Thank-you <thinks about it for a few moments.>

Kitster: Hey wait a minute Anakin, you said -

Anakin: Cool it, (starts kissing Padme's hand)

Kitster: Chilled.

Yane clears her throat.

Anakin: Come on Padme.

Anakin leads Padme over to a deserted corner in the
large room. Padme shivers.

Anakin: Padme, you're shivering. Are you cold? What
are you wearing underneath that cape?

Padme: Practically nothing.

At this, Anakin feels horny and leans in to kiss her.
There is a loud cluck. Anakin's hand shoots to his
crotch.

Padme: Oh except that. I forgot to tell you about my
chastity belt. Its an everlast.

Anakin <strained>: I'll bet.

Padme: Oh Ani, don't despair. For it is written on the
Data-pad. Only the one who carries the key, shall put
an end to my virginity.

Anakin: OH Padme, if only it twer me.

Padme: Oh if it Twer you it would be...Tweriffic.

Anakin goes to kiss her again. Yane notices him and
clears her throat again.

Yane: No ding ding without the wedding ring.

Anakin and Padme groan and the rest of the Jedi laugh.

***********************************************
Mace, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Kitster all walk into the
"Royal" Showgroud where the Contest of Contests is
being held. THey are dressed like women. Kitster is
grumbling.

Obi-Wan: What's wrong, Kitster?

Kitster: I should have never worn these shoes.....They
just don't match my purse.

The others laugh hysterically (in a very un-lady-like
manner)and keep walking to their seats.

Horns are pointed at Palpatine's ears, they sound and
Palpatine fries the trumpet blowers with Blue Force
Lightning.

Archer dude: The Royal Blaster is about to begin.
Blastermen, take your places!

Maul and Palatine a quietly surveying the scene with
bored looks. Maul sees Anakin dressed in pointed ears
and a grey uniform.

Maul: There he is. The guy with the pointed ears is
Skywalker.

Palpatine: Are you sure? It looks like Mr. Spock.

Archer Dude: Ready....Aim.....

Blaster men all look ready to start.

Archer dude: Wait for it!...........FIRE!

All blaster men fire at the target. Only two make the
bullseye. Anakin and The Right-hand man (sorry,
forgot what I wrote.)

Archer dude: The two blastermen who hit the bullseye
may stay, the rest of you gentlemen can bugger off!

Anakin fires his blaster and it hits the exact centre
of the bullseye. Then the right hand man fires his
blaster and it burns a hole right through. I has hit
Anakins blastermark square in the centre. The audience
groans.

Anakin: I lost? Wait a minute! I'm not suppose to
lose! Let me see the script...

He pulls out the script and starts to read. Mace,
Kitster, Qui-Gon, and Obi-Wan all race over to him as
the crowd starts to throw cabbages and tomatoes at
him.
Boba Fett levels his gun at Anakins head and shoots.
Qui-Gon's Lightsaber is out a second before it hits
him and deflects the bolt.

Kitster: How did you do that?

Qui-Gon: A Jedi must always be on his toes.

Anakin:<still reading> I get another shot!

Kitster: He gets another shot!

Maul and Palpatine look at their scripts.

Together: Yes..yes..He does...

Anakin loads his blaster with a "Patriot laserbolt"

Kitster: Patriot Laserbolt?

Anakin winks. He fires the laserbolt and it goes
everywhere. Under peoples seats, making them do the
Mexican wave and turning sharply, it hits the back of
the bullseye, knocking the red round circle clean out
of the board.

Maul: Very Good. Anakin Skywalker.

Anakin takes off the ears and grins.

Maul: arrest him!

Stormtroopers grab Anakin and lead him to Maul, then
let go of him.

Maul: you think your so good don't you? Well I'll tell
you one thing Mr.I-am-so-good. You're about to be
hanged! (authors note: YEah I know, medevil, but what
the hell, Its funny!)

Padme: WAIT! If you promise not to kill Anakin, I will
do the most discusting thing that I can think of.

Maul: Oh, and whats that?

Padme: I shall Marry you.

Maul: What? you'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me
every night? and sometimes, right after lunch?

Padme: Yes, but only my body. You can not have my mind
my heart or my soul.

Maul: oh yes, I respect that.
******************************
Anakin: Padme! My life isn't worth it! Just say no!

Maul: Ha! walk this way!

He walks away swaying his hips and flips his head.
Anakin and stormtroopers look at each other, shrug and
walk the same way.

Palpatine: Send word to one and all and all and
one....sounds a little redundent doesn't it?

Blasterman: What?

Palpatine: Shut up. Tell everyone there'll be a
wedding, or a hanging. Either way we all have alot of
fun, eh?

crowd cheers.

Hangman: What are you? 16? 16 1/2 ? <laughs> Would you
care for a blindfold?

Anakin shakes his head

Hangman: how 'bout half a one? hahaha <kisses Anakins
cheek>

Wedding bells sound and all these people start coming
through the gate. Jar Jar walks through first, dressed
as an Abbott.

Various: Good Morrow abbott.

JarJar: Good morrow.

Boss Nass: Hey Abbott.

Jarjar: I hate that guy.

Palpatine escorts Padme in the procession <ewww> and
signals for the doors to close.

Jar Jar: Do you Mervin Maul, Sheriff of Coruscan...
Mervin? You're name is Mervin?

Crowds laughs

Maul: Shutup, Shutup!

Jar Jar: Ok, Mervin.

Crowds laugh more. Palpatine almost cries with mirth.

Maul: Get on with it!

Jarjar: Do you, Sheriff of Coruscant, take Maid Padme
to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to hold,
through sickness and health for better....

Maul: YES I DO! GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!

JarJar: And do you Padme vow to do all the stuff I
just said to him?

Padme: I.......I.........I

Kitster fires a Blaster cutting through the rope
holding Anakin.

Padme: I do NOT!

Crowd gasps

Kitster grins and smacks hi fives with the Jedi.

Kitster: Whos the man? Whos the man?

Maul gets Padme and wraps her up in some kind of cloth

Maul: I shall have you, married or no!

Kitster: Hey man! The sheriff got your woman, man! He
gonna deflower her in the tower. <grimaces> ewww.

Scene changes to Tower.

Maul: I'm afraid we dont have time for romance my
dear!

runs over to the bed.

Maul: consider this...Foreplay!!

He tears her dress and sees the chastity belt.

Maul: A chastity Belt? Oh thats going to chafe my
willy. I'll be back.

Obi-Wan: I hope she's still wearing her iron
underwear.

Qui-Gon: Yeah.

Maul has a jackhammer and tries (but fails) to unlock
the belt.

Padme: No matter what you do...I shall never submitt!

Door crashes open and there is Anakin, standing in the
doorway.

Padme: Anakin!

Anakin: Prepare for the fight scene.

Maul: Pardon the interuption darling, I will dispose
of this feathered upstart and come back and <shudders>
finish the job.

Anakin and Maul draw lightsabers and fight. blocking,
and parrying, thrusting and blocking again. They go
behind a wall where you can only see their shadows. So
they do a hand puppet fight. Anakin a dog. Maul a
Duck.

Anakin: Ruff ruff...

Maul: quack quack...

Anakin and Maul: Quack Ruff Quack Ruff!!!!!

Maul wins that bit of the fight. Padme gasps. The
lightsabers clash and they hit durasteel, making
sparks fly.

Anakin: Shocking!

Maul thrusts and Parrys then burns his ass in the
fire.

Maul: ARGH!!!

Anakin: Ha ha.

Maul takes out a viro blade tries to stab Anakin, only
to get the case in which the key is held. (authors
note: Did I put that In?)The blade slices thru the
string and sends the case flying thru the air, it
bursts open and reveals the key. The key falls down
and into the lock of the belt.

Padme: Oh Anakin, this means you've always been my one
true love because its just the right size!

Maul: Its not the size that counts! its how you use
it!

He attacks Anakin from behind.

Padme: Anakin!!

Anakin swings round and blocks Mauls attepmt. They
fight for about five minutes when Anakin punches Maul
in the face and sends him flying. He kisses the
lightsaber hilt after it has deactivated.

Anakin: THankyou my friend.

Maul comes up behind ANakin, not noticing, Anakin
shoves the lightsaber, activated, to impress Padme,
into Mauls chest. Padme grimaces. Maul goes crosseyed
and looks at Anakin when he turns round.

Maul: It not so bad.

Turns and sees the lightsaber sticking out the other
side of him.

Maul: I was wrong.

He falls into a corner and Sabe runs into the room and
cries out when she sees Maul.

Sabe: Oh my love! What have they done to you? HOw do
you feel?

Maul: I dying you stupid woman!

Sabe: YOu don't have to die.

Maul: I don't?

Sabe: No...I have this magic pill (holds up a
lifesaver ;))It could save your life. And I'll give it
to you, if you promise to marry me and be mine
forever!

Maul: Oh yes alright.

He eats the lifesaver and Sabe pulls the lightsaber
out of his chest and hands it to Anakin who
deactivates it. She then pulls Maul out of the room by
his legs, she turns round tro regard the two love
birds.

Sabe: I always wanted to marry a cop.

She drags him out with him yelling "I've changed my
mind!"

Anakin: Oh my dearest

He kisses Padme, picks her up and puts her on the bed.
Then he slowly lets his hand glide to the key. Yane
runs in

Yane: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Padme and Anakin groan as she yells.

Yane: before you do it, you must go through it. Or
else I blew it.

Anakin and Padme look at each other.

Scene changes to Anakin and Padme running up the isle.

Anakin: LUKE!

Luke pokes his head out of the tent.

Luke: Who called?

Anakin: Me, son. We wish to get married in a hurry.

Luke: Married in a hurry! Married in a hurry thats
wonderful! Hey wait a minute! that means I haven't
been born yet! ARGH! oh who cares. Wait a minute I'll
be right out!

He disappears back into the tent. A chop, silence and
then a scream is heard. Luke walks out of the tent.

Luke: <Calls> Put a little ice on it. It'll be fine!
Married in a hurry. Ok. Now, Dad do you?

Anakin: I do.

Luke: Mum do you?

Padme: I do.

Luke: I now pronounce you...

Yoda: Object I do.

Luke: who asked?

Obi-Wan: Its Yoda Back from the crusades!

Palpatine: Oh boy, now I'm in trouble.

Obi-Wan: hey wait a minute! If they are brothers...How
come their different species? Whoa! I'd hate to see
their Mum!

Gardolla the Hutt slithers into veiw.

Gardolla:<subtitled> Are you teasing my two boys?

Obi-Wan pales and faints. Every one laughs.

Yoda: Anakin, rumors of your good deeds have reached
Dantooine, to me.

Luke: Excuse me Yoda? If you like my Dad so
much...Whgy do you object to his marrying My Mum?

Yoda: No objections I have. But kissed the bride I
have not.

Padme grins and leans down and kisses Yoda on the
cheek.

Yoda: Marry them now, you may Luke.

Luke: Dad do you?

Anakin: I do

Luke: Mum do you?

Padme: I do.

Luke: I now pronounce you man and....<looks at Yoda.
Yoda winks> wife.

Crowd cheers.

Yane: We're gonna have to remodel the castle, to make
room for all the babies.

She cries and is hugged by Qui-Gon.

Anakin: for my first order of business, since the old
sheriff seems somewhat ... er...BUSY, I would like to
appoint a new one. My friend, Kitster.

Everyone: A Farm boy sheriff?

Kitster: Hey why not? It worked in blazing sadles.

Everyone: no it didn't.

Kitster: OH yeah.

Scene changes to see Padme and Anakin go off in a
speeder with "JUST MARRIED" pinned on the back.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

HAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!!!

Finito! hope you love it as much as I loved writting
it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feedback is always appreciated.