Nothing Begins
(01/17/2000)
by Brensgrrl (marajade@looknlearn.com)
Rating:  PG-13;  AU, Angst, Romance
Summary:  Obi-Wan is refused.
Warning:  Angst
Archive:  Anywhere with my emailed permission. (If you got this story via email, you have permission
Feedback:   marajade@looknlearn.com.   Very welcome, because this piece has not been betaed,  but flames will be used to light the fireplace!
Disclaimer:  Everything except Quinn Harring and the thin plot belongs to George Lucas.  I  am grateful to be able to play in his wonderful world of make believe..   I'm broke and only writing this for fun, so please don't sue me.

The title for this story is derived from Francis Thompson's Daisy:
"Nothing begins and nothing ends,
 That is not paid with moan;
 For we are born in other's pain,
 and perish in our own."

**************
 

The  realization hit me with the force of a blaster bolt to the guts, and the forkful of food froze in the air halfway between the plate and my mouth.

"Your master isn't joining us, is he?"

It was more an announcement than a question, coming hot on the heels of my discernment of how naive I had been.

Across the table from me, he also halted in mid motion,  the bottle of wine cradled in both his hands.    He looked like a mugruebe caught in the headlamps of an onrushing speeder, and I laughed out loud.

I guess we trapped each other.

Nope.   This wasn't a case of comrades in arms and circumstance breaking bread together to celebrate the end of a long and dangerous mission. This was something else, lock, stock and barrel.   My mind did a quick replay of recent events and I winced when I understood that denial had eclipsed my reason.  I am stupid, stupid, stupid. Maybe it is time to hang up the blasters and find a nice quiet repulsor chair next to a fire someplace.
 
In the moment of naked honesty that usually follows being figuratively caught with one's pants down,  I could admit to myself that I knew this might happen. For weeks he had been fascinated  with  me.  Fascination turned into a charming flirtation, that I playfully reciprocated by calling him Angel Eyes and letting him coddle me. It was all a foolish game, just play. . .I didn't really mean anything by it and neither did he.

There I go again, lying to myself.

I took a breath and put the  fork down.  Something told me that I may as well look around and confirm my worst suspicions,  so I got up from the well-laden table and went straight to the bedroom door and threw it open.

It was as bad as I thought it was.   Hell, it was worse.

The bed was covered with a downy white comforter augmented by a number of white pillows of different sizes and shapes.   There was a very large bouquet of showy flowers on the side table along with two glasses and another bottle of wine in a cooler. Dozens of lit candles were placed everywhere.    The air was perfumed with incense and the sound of soft music was coming from somewhere.   My  throat constricted with the notion that the room was  like a  bridal chamber.     I know that Jedi don't have much money to throw around, and it was clear that he had spent quite a few dataries to create this little love nest. This was more than seduction, bigger than an invitation to a quick bang.  I had figured out that he was interested but I didn't know he was that serious.

He was serious. . .about me.   My heart sped up at the thought.  But no. I had to stuff those feelings.   Had to.

I felt really bad about the waste of money, but I had to stop this cold.   After all, it was my sanity that was at stake here.    It had taken me years to tie the raggedy pieces of it back together and get back what was left of my life, and I couldn't face that kind of hell again.

I closed the door and turned around only to find myself nose-to-nose with him.   You'd think I'd be used to Jedi stealth after spending six months with them but I guess there are some things that you never really get used to.

"Typical Jedi bedroom?"

His arms were instantly around me.   By the myriad gods, his eyes were beautiful!  But I already knew that--after all, I had grabbed every available opportunity during the past few months to look into them.

"I'll bet this took a lot of work. . ."

And then his lips were on mine.   There were no overtures, no evasions or apologies for his desire.   His tongue slipped into my mouth as his head tilted to one side, demanding more access.  The kiss was long and very sweet, and when he withdrew I felt so dazed that I barely realized that he was leading me by the hand.  We were halfway into the bedroom by the time I regained my senses.

"I want you, and I know that you want me."  His arms
went around me again.

"No, Angel Eyes. "  I whispered  as I twirled  his apprentice braid between my fingers and met that stormy gaze.

"You don't want to be with me?"  Just the sound of his voice was enough to make me weak.

 I stammered, mentally reaching for the right words --something, anything to say that wouldn't be a total lie.   "Uh. . .it's  not that you aren't desirable.   It's just that I can't do this, okay?"

He smiled seductively, and closed his eyes.   I felt his probe, a little tickle
of Force brushing against my awareness, subtle and tender.    "I love you, Quinn." his embrace tightened.  " And I sense your love for me."

Hearing the truth spoken aloud stunned me, and he took
advantage of my distress to deliver
another searing kiss that turned my knees to water and
 very nearly crushed my resolve.
But I won the battle that was raging inside me, and I
broke the kiss by wedging my palms
up against his chest and giving a little push.    The
look of want in his eyes was heartrending.
Someday, my sweet Angel, you'll thank me for this.

"It doesn't matter how I feel.   Common sense tells me
that we shouldn't
do this.    If you search your mind, you'll see how
crazy this is."

"So I am crazy for loving you and wanting you?"

He was much too close to me.   I  crossed the room and
looked out the
window on the  Coruscant night.   Weather Control had
decreed  a light
snow for this evening and huge fluffy flakes swirled
in the wakes of
transports and collected in little drifts on the
ledges and balconies of
buildings.  I ran my fingers through my hair, 
cupping my skull between
my hands  for a minute  like that would stop my real
thoughts from spilling
out.

"You don't have a crazy bone in your  body, Obi-Wan.
It's me.  I've had bad luck with
things like this.  Really bad luck,  okay.   I just
can't go through anymore shit."

He came to stand next to me.   "This isn't frivolous,
Quinn.  I'd never hurt you."

"Yeah, right."  I interrupted.  " If I had a credit
for every time I heard that one. . ."

He ducked his head, visibly hurt by my  sarcasm.

"Look, I'm sorry. . ."  I reached for his hand.  "That
was a lousy thing
for me to say.   It's just that we are of two
different realities, that's all.
You're Jedi--you have your duties to the Force and the
galaxy.   I'm
a broken-down former military pilot that's living out
her fantasy of
being a Master Trader.   You're young and pretty and
your life is really
just beginning;  I'm used-up merchandise on a last
hurrah.  Hell, I can't
even give you babies. . ."  I smiled a little at that
last,  feeling every minute of my 39 years.
Nothing was as exhausting as denial.   "Trust me--you
don't want to be bound to me.
When you get right down to it we have nothing in
common."

"We have love in common.   I know my feelings, and I
know that the Force
brought us together.  I know that you love me too. "
His arm slipped around my waist,
and he drew me close so that we stood hip to hip.  
"Being with you feels so right, deep
inside me.  What I don't understand is how ignoring
your own feelings is going to
keep you from being hurt."

If you only knew, Angel Eyes.

We stood, not speaking, just staring out into the
busy-ness of the restless world city,
and my memories  rushed in to fill the silence that
crouched between us.

If only you knew about the one time I let myself get
carried away by my feelings.    Yeah, just
like everyone else, I had my share of casual affairs,
pretty little copilots and naval
officers, bedded and been bedded just for fun or
sexual release or out of boredom.
Nothing serious--no regrets.   All tabs settled when
the ship took off.

And then I met  Kenn.

A buyer had hired me to transport a load of hyperdrive
components from the Kuat Drive
Yards to the Outer Rim.   Kenn was the engineering
technician assigned to ticket and oversee
the loading.   Processing the goods took a standard
week, during which we became friends.

Real good friends.  Lovers, in fact.

Falling into bed with Kenn wasn't hard to do.   He
was, easily, the best
looking man I had ever seen--up to the present point,
anyway.   When I
first laid eyes on him he was wearing the same
nondescript coveralls as the rest of the
engineers, but even that couldn't hide his looks.   He
was tall
and dark, violet-eyed,  with unruly short black hair
that gave him the
tousled  look of someone just who just woke up.  
Later,
when we made love, I got to see the full extent of his
charms, including
his quick wit and wonderful sense of humor.   So
beautiful and so  sexy.

So it was no wonder that  I was thrilled when he
agreed to leave Kuat and come with me.

If only I had known that I was making the worst
mistake of my life.
Who was it that first said hindsight is perfect
vision?

Yes, we had four wonderful years together, plying the
space lanes,  looking
for danger and opportunity.    Four years of sharing
peace and peril,
fat times and lean ones,  eating and sleeping,
laughing and crying.  We even fought side
by side when we had to.    I had his back and  he had
mine.
Always together.

And I taught him everything I knew about being an
entrepeneur--how to
tell good jobs from bad ones, how to set prices for
services, how to
tell what was and wasn't a good deal, how to make sure
you got paid.
Always together.

He wasn't the only one who learned and who was taught.
  He was so brightly
wise and full of insight;  I found  his common sense
and perception so
valuable on so many occasions.   He was a blessing to
me!  I made a lot of
money with his help.  And we worked as one, always
together. . .
 
I loved him so much.  We were more than lovers--we
were best
friends.   I thought that we would always be together.
. .

And then, one day he told me that he had to go home to
take care of some
family business.   I didn't give it a second
thought--friends help friends , so I took him back to
Kuat.

I didn't even get suspicious when he didn't take me
along to meet his family.
Didn't find it strange that he left  me waiting on the
ship for three days
with no contact.   Didn't question the cryptic message
 to 'report to
compound Kneissi'  that I got on the evening of the
third day.

So I 'reported,' and soon found myself escorted
through the halls of an
impressively expensive home and into a large vaulted
room that was wall-to-
wall with  people who were dressed in impressively
expensive clothes.
I was told that it was a party for Master Trader Korin
, so I accepted a drink and milled
around with the rest of the guests, figuring that I
was on the receiving end of another
business proposition, and telling everyone that Kenn
had invited me
.
Then I saw him.

I would never have known it was him but for the
glimpse I caught of his face.    When he
knew that I spotted him, he smiled a little, but said
nothing.     And his face was the only thing you could
see, and only if he
was turned toward you.

He was dressed in heavy black aba robes,  edged in
gold and purple embroidery, his hands
tucked into his sleeves, his beautiful messy hair
concealed  by a tall headdress. He was
standing to the right of a  haughty young woman who
glared at me as I approached.   And then I knew.

Somehow, my Kenn had become a telbun,  the  bound male
concubine of a highborn lady.

He introduced me to the lady, his mistress, Korin of
Kneissi.   Master Trader
Korin.   My competition.  She gave me a curt nod that
made it perfectly
clear that I was lower than the dust beneath her
feet--and Kenn's.

I could almost hear my heart shatter when I realized
that the past four years were nothing
but a lie, that I had been nothing but a training
exercise for him.  I  vaguely remember
him  drawing me aside to say how sorry he was,  and
that he really did love me, but this
was the life for which he was born, that his family
expected this of him.   After that, I
slipped into a kind of shock.  I couldn't speak,
couldn't answer.  The more I realized
what a fool I was, the sicker I got.     All I  could
do was keep dumbly nodding my head
as the bile rose in my throat and he droned on about
family honor and duty.  I wished him
happiness and stumbled out of the vaulted room, back
down the ornate hallways and out into
the street.

Where I vomited.

I spent the next two weeks in hyper space, doing my
best to stay as drunk
as I could.

Eventually, I dropped  back into realspace out in the
Itani System, and
washed up at Darknon.  Then I spent a few more weeks
in the Stormview
Lounge  drinking as much watered down hooch as I could
get and watering
it down even more with my tears.   I was forced out of
there when my money
ran out.

So I returned to my life of odd jobs and cold space. 
But with every breath
I took I swore that I'd done the love thing for the
last time.   I'd go
it alone for as long as it lasted.  No more pretty
copilots, officers, hangers
on.  It would be all about the money and nothing else.


It was all about the money when I keyed up the Mass
Motion Transport
System and chose the job of making the Bacta Run out
of Thyferra.

I knew the run was dangerous, but I didn't care.   If
I took the last jump
on this one, then so be it.    I signed up for as many
trips as I could--the pay was real
good for the risk.    I didn't even care when the
Corporation that hired me told me that
Jedi Knights would make the trips  with me because of
piracy on Shapani Bypass.  As
long as they stayed the hell out of my way, I didn't
give a damn.

I am such a liar.  I have always cared.  I cared  for
every minute of the mission.   I wanted
him from the first minute I saw him.   Such a perfect
Angel.  I care now.  I can't help it.
But he's a telbun too, concubine to the  Force.

And  I can't afford it, my Angel Eyes. . .

I felt his fingers lace with mine and then I was drawn
into his arms again.  held close
while  little kisses rained on my forehead as if I
were a child.

"Please let me love you and take care of you.  I know
that you have been
hurt.  Let me help. . ."

I brushed the back of my knuckles against his cheek
and he leaned into
that little touch.  My eyes started to water.

"Thank you, but no.  I've got to go before I make
another mistake."
I extricated myself from him as softly as I could and
left that room.
I went straight over to a low table by the door where
my weapons had
been placed.   I concentrated on the process of
rearming myself,  anything
to stop thinking about the evening, the dinner, the
bedroom, him.

I shouldered the holster for the flechette gun;
buckled on the hold-out
blaster.

From somewhere behind me I heard a whisper.  "Don't go
like this--
stay and we'll at least talk about it. . ."

I couldn't speak--didn't dare turn around.

I slipped on my vest  and left without saying goodbye.

 
 

*************

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.

                               --  Billy Joel