Title: Old Folks’ Home
Author: Per'agana (peragana@yahoo.com)
Category: Humor
Rating: PG, I guess
Setting: Around ESB
Summary: Frustrated with their slightly senile
masters, Luke, Darth Vader, and Darth Maul check Yoda
and Sidious into a retirement home.
Disclaimer: All the SW characters and locales are
George's. I'm just borrowing! No money being made on
this piece of nonsense, so don't sue me! Nintendo (I
think) owns Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny, duly borrowed
from “Pokemon.” (and no, there are no actual Pokemon
in this story, so don’t shoot me everyone!)
Feedback: Sure!
This piece of silliness came to me last night after
watching bits of ESB and refused to leave. I’m not
used to writing humor, so I’m not sure I did this
hideous idea justice, but here it is anyway!
*****************************************************
Darth Sidious made his way across the tiled floor,
followed closely by two hooded figures. The rasping,
mechanized breath of the taller figure echoed across
the still courtyard of the elaborately decorated,
pseudo-Victorian building.
Sidious stopped and glared at the doors as if he
expected someone to instantly materialize. “I am the
Emperor of this galaxy,” he rasped. “Where is my
welcoming party?”
The two hooded figures exchanged a glance. “You are
*not* the Emperor of the galaxy anymore,” said the
shorter one with infinitely more patience than he
felt. “As I believe I have told you several times.”
“Eight, if you’re counting,” said the deep voice of
the taller figure.
Sidious stopped, turned, and stared in confusion at
the shorter figure. “Why are you here, Lord Maul?
You’re dead, after all.”
Maul sighed. “I am *not* dead. I’m quite alive, as you
can see. As I’ve told you repeatedly, the padawan
missed.”
“Barely!” the taller figure boomed, his voice echoing
with amusement.
Maul glared at him. “Vader, you aren’t helping...”
Sidious cut them off with a wave of his cane. “Enough!
I am supposed to be performing an inspection of this
building, so let us begin.” He turned back toward the
door and marched across the rest of the courtyard.
Maul and Vader glanced at each other again and sighed
together. This was *not* going to be simple! Maul
looked at his fellow Sith apprentice. “He won’t go
quietly.”
“Then we will find a way,” Vader said menacingly.
A sweet-faced young woman in a white dress
materialized in front of the group, holding a
clipboard. “I’m Nurse Joy,” she said cheerily,
glancing at the clipboard. “And you must be Darth
Sidious,” she said to Sidious. “Mind if I call you
Sid? Now, you just come with me and I’ll give you the
grand tour.” She caught the Sith Lord by the elbow and
expertly guided him down the hall so quickly that he
was unable to resist.
“Impressive,” Maul said with amusement.
“I could use her in my fleet,” Vader rumbled. “She
would make an excellent negotiator.”
Maul rolled his eyes. “Oh, like *you* negotiate. How
many admirals did you Force-choke last year?”
“Gentlemen!” a stern voice interrupted. “I am Director
Friedman. Please, follow me.” The tidy, grey-haired
man led them into an office that only an
anal-retentive could love. The only decoration was a
map of the facility on the wall. The director sat in
his chair and primly folded his manicured hands over a
pile of paperwork. “Now then, to the business at hand.
First, I will assure you that your fath--...er, your
Master,” he frowned at the word, then moved on.
“...will be quite happy here at Whispering Pines. We
pay the utmost attention to our clients’ health and
happiness. I do have one question for you... are you
absolutely certain that you would not like to give
your...”, he hesitated and frowned again, “...Master
the comfort of a private room? I’m sure he would be
*much* happier in his own environment.”
Maul and Vader looked at each other. No, Maul thought.
Not if I want to refit the cloaking device on the
Infiltrator this year. Vader caught the thought and
nodded, himself thinking that the extra cost was
out—unless he wanted his Star Destroyer fleet to get
repo’ed. “No,” they said together.
********************************************************
As Maul and Vader were negotiating, another figure
was making his way across the courtyard. “Necessary
this is not, apprentice. Wooden ducks they have!” Yoda
exclaimed, pointing his walking stick at a planter
covered with country-cute wooden geese.
Luke Skywalker shook his head ruefully. “I’m sorry,
Yoda, but it’s for the best. I’m so busy helping train
the new Jedi that I can’t take very good care of
you...,” his voice trailed off and he looked over at
the planter. “I think they’re supposed to be geese...”
“Humph. What kind of way to treat a member of the
Council is this?”
Luke sighed. “You’re not on the Council anymore, Yoda.
You retired, remember?” He spoke gently, but he’d gone
through this pretty often recently.
A sharp-faced young woman met them at the door. “I’m
Jenny, the activities coordinator,” she said in a
completely no-nonsense voice. “Are you Yoda?” She
didn’t wait for an answer before escorting him down
the hall.
“Too fast you move. Old, I am!” Yoda grumbled, then
looked up hopefully. “Cable you have?”
Luke stared after his old master with a bit of regret,
hoping he was doing the right thing. He started as a
finger poked him hesitantly on the shoulder. He turned
and looked at a middle-aged woman with washed-out
features and a kindly smile.
“You’re Luke Skywalker?” she took his stare as a yes.
“I’m Joann Terman, Assistant Director.” She led them
into an office filled to overflowing with figurines,
music boxes, and other tchotchkes. “I’m so very glad
you decided to place your mentor with us,” she beamed.
“Master,” Luke corrected absently.
“Yes, like I said. Anyway, Whispering Pines will be a
wonderful new home for your mentor. We have many
activities here. Does he enjoy bingo, canasta, or
basket weaving?”
“Umm...well, he enjoys meditating and working with the
Force.”
Assistant Director Terman frowned.
“...oh, and he likes watching football on the
All-Sports Network.”
Terman’s face brightened considerably. “Well, we have
wonderful coverage here. 3.3 million stations from
over 1,340 worlds!” She paused, and frowned again.
“There is a little something I’m reluctant to mention,
but... I do realize, how can I put it delicately, that
funding is an issue? But regardless of that, are you
certain that you wouldn’t rather your mentor have a
private room?”
Luke looked at her guiltily. “Well, I would if I
could, but...”
The Assistant Director stood quickly and brusquely
walked toward the door, obviously disappointed she
couldn’t fleece Luke for more money. “Well, we shall
see to it that Mr. Yoda is well provided for. Good
day!”
Luke stopped her. “Wait, um, Mrs. Terman? Do you know
who Master Yoda’s rooming with? He can be a
little...difficult sometimes with people he doesn’t
know.”
She tapped her heel impatiently, eager to get on to
the next client. “I believe it’s already been worked
out. I can’t remember the elderly gentleman’s name,
but I believe they were matched on their interests.”
************************************
The activities coordinator named Jenny led Yoda to his
assigned room, chatting amiably with him about
football and how well the Corellia Smugglers had done
this season. They turned the corner and Jenny paused.
She was just about to introduce the small, green Jedi
Master to his new roommate when Yoda let out a yelp of
surprise. Jenny looked over and noticed Yoda and his
black-hooded, stooped roommate staring at each other
in shock. “YOU?!?!?” they said simultaneously.
Yoda turned back toward Jenny. “Share a room with a
Sith Lord I will not.”
“Well *I* am not about to share a room with this
ignorant Jedi. Remove him at once,” Sidious hissed.
“All right! That will be quite enough of that!” Jenny
yelled. “You’re assigned together because you’re both
interested in the same things. You need to learn to
get along!”
“Interested in the same things we are not!” Yoda said
indignantly. “Interested only in his own power he is!”
“Power, yessss,” Sidious smirked. “The power of the
Dark Side, which a cretin like you could never
understand.”
“Stop it!” Jenny shouted. “Do I need to lock you two
in here until you stop fighting like little children?”
They both glared at her. “Assign me to another room
you must. Live with *him* I cannot,” Yoda said with
finality.
“On this we actually agree,” Sidious mumbled. He
turned to Jenny and glared at her. “If I can not be
moved, you will be destroyed!” He held his hands
together and little blue lightning-flashes encircled
his fingers. He raised them, and...
CRACK! Yoda’s cane hit him over the knuckles. “Stop
that, you will!” Yoda looked over at Jenny. He waved a
pudgy green hand in front of her. “Separate us now you
shall.”
Jenny’s hands clenched into fists and she looked like
she was about to explode. “Ooooh, that is enough! I
can’t believe you’d try to mind-whammy me! And YOU,”
she looked at Sidious. “Attacking me? That is IT! You
will both stay in here until you actually learn to get
along!” She turned on her heel and marched out.
Seconds later, the two Force masters heard the key
click in the lock.
Sidious frowned at Yoda. “Well, what are you waiting
for? Open the lock!”
“Use the Force on it I cannot. Made of Mandalorian
iron it is!”
“Oh, for the love of the Sith. Get out of my way!”
Sidious walked over to the door and blasted it with a
telekinetic punch. The lock didn’t budge.
“See? Told you I did,” Yoda said smugly.
Sidious snarled at him. He brushed past the Jedi
Master and hopped on the twin bed on the far side of
the room.
Yoda looked around, considering. “Well, if temporarily
stuck with you I am, entertain myself I will.” He
stepped up to the holoimager and picked up the remote
control. Yoda flicked on the unit and set it to a
cooking channel. “Ahhh,” he enthused, his long ears
perking up, “better than swamp stew that is!”
Sidious glowered at him from the other side of the
room. He waved a hand impatiently and the channel
flipped, displaying the latest episode of ‘WWF
Smackdown’. “Better,” he exclaimed.
“Like violence too much you do. More peaceful and in
tune with the Force cooking is.” Yoda flipped the
channel back to “Chocolate for You!”
“I fail to see how a chocolate cake is in tune with
the Force,” Sidious groused, TK-ing the channel back
to the wrestling program. “Now *this* is in tune with
the Force. Such beautiful anger!” he cackled, eyes
bright with pleasure.
“Too much anger have *you*!” A wave of Yoda’s hand and
the cook was back.
“Too weak are *you*! Oh, by the Dark Lords, I’m
starting to talk just like you!” Back to the
wrestlers.
Yoda scowled and brought back the cook.
Sidious snarled back and restored the wrestlers.
Yoda began to move his hand when Sidious’ cane
intercepted it. Yoda grabbed his gnarled stick and
whacked back. Soon, a pretty fierce battle ensued.
“Alright, Gentlemen. It’s time to...oh, my!” Nurse Joy
stood and stared at the two combatants in surprise.
“Jenny said you were violent, but I never thought...”
Yoda looked at her sheepishly. “Sorry I am.”
Sidious glared at first, but seeing a chance to get
away from Yoda, a bit of Senator Palpatine’s diplomacy
oozed out. “Oh, I’m so *terribly* sorry.”
Nurse Joy was taken aback by their contrition. She
smiled broadly, her naturally perky nature restored.
“Oh, that’s okay! I came to ask if you both wanted to
play Bingo. So, want to come?”
“Anything to get away from him,” Sidious sneered.
“What did you say?” Nurse Joy eyed him skeptically.
“Oh, nothing. I would *love* to get out.” Politician
Palpatine was back.
“Well...okay. What about you?” She looked down at the
diminutive Jedi Master.
“Sounds good this “bingo” does. What bingo is?”
Nurse Joy giggled. “It’s a game! Here, I’ll take you
both down there.”
*************************************
Sidious and Yoda entered the “activity room” and took
their bingo cards and markers from a bored-looking
teenage attendant. They scanned the room and, to their
horror, found that the only two seats left in the room
were at the same table.
“I have more important matters to attend to than this!
Besides, these worthless mundanes should move for
their Emperor!” Sidious snarled.
“Delusions of grandeur you have! And agreed to this,
we did.” Yoda made his way through the tables and took
one of the empty seats.
Sidious reluctantly followed and immediately whammied
someone else at the table to explain how bingo worked.
Yoda assiduously followed the game, placing his
markers with care. Sidious, on the other hand, plunked
his markers down with complete boredom, far more
interested in watching the attractive young volunteers
milling about the room. A couple of seconds later,
Sidious’ raspy voice cut through the crowd. “Bingo!”
Yoda frowned at him. “Cheated, you did! See through
you I can.”
“So what? Don’t bother me, Jedi. I want that prize!”
“Tell them, I will.”
“You will not, you senile old puppet! Who will believe
you?”
“The Force on my side I have! Trust me they will.”
“Hello there!” Two high-pitched voices cut through the
argument. Yoda and Sidious both looked up in
surprise...and up, and up...
“I’m Darlene!” The first one said. Built like a Barbie
doll with long, curly blond hair.
“I’m her sister, Charlene!” The second one said. She
was built the same way, except with cascades of brown
hair.
“We heard you were Force masters! We think the Force
is cool,” they said in unison. The blond one began
rubbing Yoda around the ears, and the brunette went
over and sat on Sidious’ lap. “Will you teach us?”
they asked.
“I could be convinced,” Sidious said with evident
pleasure. “I believe I’m beginning to like this place
after all!”
“Agree for once I do,” Yoda concurred, purring at
Darlene.
******************************************
Luke handed the small pile of credits to the
shady-looking man and looked doubtfully and Maul and
Vader. “Are you sure this will work?”
“It’s the only way, son,” Vader rumbled.
“Unless you want to see your master torn apart, that
is.” Maul sneered.
Luke tensed, reminding himself that anger was not the
way. “Well, at least he’s happy!”
***********fin!***************