Title: Ten days and counting (X-Days and counting, part 4)
Author: Beckymonster (becky@queenamidala.freeserve.co.uk)
Rating: PG-13 (bloody hell!)
Archiving: Yes to both Sith_Chicks and to the M_A, anyone else, just ask and you shall recieve!
Catergories: Angst, Romance, POV... oh yeah and Slash too!
Feedback: Yes please! I do this for my own enjoyment - but if others like it too, then it makes it more enjoyable!:-)
Send it to becky@queenamidala.freeserve.co.uk
Disclaimer: Okay repeat after me... 'Not mine, belong to George, mesa makin' no monies!'
Also if two Jedi getting all mushy over each other is not your cup of tea, then move along, these aren't the Jedi you're looking for! (waves her hands about)
Synopsis: Qui-Gon's thoughts on the events of Part 3 as he returns to the temple...


Qui-Gon Jinn
To truly appreciate Coursant's beauty, you need to see it from space. I have heard my home planet described in many different ways, from a hive of a million, million souls to a silver filigree solstice bauble. I only have one way to describe it.
Home.
For it is here that the Jedi Temple, the only home that I have ever known is, where my friends are, where my Master lives and where I live.
Today I dread going home.
Much will have occurred since I left to go on the Celalber mission. My Padawan learner, Obi-Wan Kenobi would have completed his trials. The Force whispers to me that when we next meet much will change.
I am afraid.
Afraid of what may happen, afraid to face up to the consequences of my impetuous actions.
I stand on the observation deck of the diplomatic cruiser assigned to my companion Master and I for this trip. I enjoy the solitude of being here, away from the diplomats and the delegates from each faction that have accompanied us here.
The peace allows me to reflect on what has already been and contemplate the possibilities of what could be.
It does not make for a serene state of mind.
I made a foolish mistake. One that could cost me more than I could ever pay. It could cost me the respect and friendship of someone I truly love. I feel it has already cost me his love.
If I ever had that to begin with.
When the Council informed me of my mission, I was joyful. I knew that, even with my (some would say) legendary control, I could not sit out two weeks at temple, waiting to hear how matters faired with you.
I took pleasure in our joint preparations. I was saddened that you could not attend with me. Not that I am saying that Master Billaba has not been excellent company, but she is not you.
Your absence was also felt by the Coursant diplomats, who have been working tirelessly to help bring about a lasting peace to the Celalber sector.
They expressed their disappointment, and wished you well. One, the assistant chief negotiator, declared a wish to see us in action again soon. On the outside, I agreed with her, on the inside, I could feel my heart breaking. After my stupid mistake, I would be surprised if you would give me the time of day.
I think back to that fateful evening. I knew that I should have chosen another pursuit for the evening, a game of chess, reading, sparring... anything other than rehashing what we already knew.
I remember that I was pacing around, explaining to you the new developments in the conflict. You were watching information scroll past on a viewer. You looked so beautiful, sitting there.
So I stopped to admire the beauty before me.
That's when it began to go wrong. You moved and pained your neck. I should have used the Force to help massage the pain away. Yet, instead, like the lovesick fool that I am, I decided to use my hands.
Believe me Padawan, when I say that I am not a dirty old man. Up until a few short years ago, thoughts like this would never have crossed my mind. Then I began to realise just how beautiful that you had become.
In such a light, is it any wonder that I wanted to touch you?
So I began to massage your shoulders. Oh Gods... it felt good. The warmth of your skin under my hands. The way your body untensed as the tension flowed out of you.
You closed your eyes, I wondered what you were thinking about as I massaged the tension away.
Were you thinking of a special someone doing this for you? A lover? Some one with ocean blue eyes, a heart melting smile, muscular body and strong powerful arms to hold you close. Some one of your own age.
As the tension poured away, I found that I did not want to stop what I was doing. Your acquiescence allowed me to indulge my secret desires for you. Allowing myself one moment of joy. If there were no others, then I would hope to be content with this one stolen moment.
In order to prevent you from 'eavesdropping' on my thoughts, I moved my hands from your shoulders to your neck.
That moan. Obi-Wan I was nearly lost when I heard that sigh. All I wanted to do was to gather you into my arms, take you to my room and make slow sensual love to you.
Then you leant back into me. The connection allowed me insight to your thoughts. You were entertaining thoughts of holding someone, caressing them in the same fashion that I was touching you. Your mystery love.
I moved my hands back to your shoulders, loath to break the contact, savouring each moment spent touching you.
You leant your head back, spiky hair brushing against my tunic. I smiled at the touch. You were so beautiful.
Even now, after sleepless nights, trying to rationalise what I did, I cannot find an explanation for it.
It just felt 'right' to lean down and kiss you on the lips.
At least I could be damned as a Sith happily for that kiss. You tasted sweeter than Corellian chocolate, and just as tempting.
Then I felt your confusion.
I moved away quickly. I felt many things, anger at my lack of control, concern for you, wondering if I had hurt you and shame... for taking advantage, and for taking something that wasn't even offered.
I took the only course of action available to me. I ran like a coward, shutting you out as I did so.
I'm not proud of what I did, but I just did not have it in me to face you and your reaction.
So, I left, at the time when you would have most needed me.
Since then I have had no contact or word of you. In truth, I have been avoiding the matter, afraid of the consequences. I do not even know if you have passed your trials.


I sense a movement from behind me. I look to the reflections in the window.
There is another person in the room. It is Jedi Master Depa Billaba of the Council. Alongside me she has helped to broker the new Celalber peace deal.
She and I have been friends for more years that either of us wish to discuss. Depa knows me better than I know myself sometimes.
"Master Billaba." I greet her, but do not turn. She does not mind this, as I do not think that this was ever intended as a formal meeting.
"Master Jinn," She replies her voice is low and soft, a powerful thing, making conflicting parties shut up and listen to her perspective.
Her slight, small form joins me at the window, entranced at the view of home.
"I have received word from the Temple" she began. " We will be met by Windy and have been allowed a day of rest before being debriefed by Valorum."
I smiled. Depa always surprised many by her sense of humour.
"Is there a reason why we are being met by Master Windu and not Chancellor Valorum?"
She turned slightly to look at my reflection better in the glass.
"Qui-Gon, it looks better for the holo-vid news that our beloved leader meets the representatives of the two warring factions, rather than the poor souls who brokered the deal in the first place!"
Depa paused a moment, through reading her force presence I could tell that she was wrestling with her conscience about something. What?
"The other reason is that the apprentice trials have been completed," she stated softly.
I closed my eyes, calling upon my training to still the turmoil I felt inside.
"Has there been any news?" I asked, hoping that my voice would not betray me.
"Qui-Gon, you know as well as I that only the Padawans can say" Billaba explained.
She reached out and touched my arm.
That's been it, hasn't it? That is what has been eating at you these last two weeks"
Trapped. I wanted to run away from everything, believe the delusions that all would be well
I would not lie to her.
Not because she was a Council member or years before she and I had been lovers, but because we both knew I was a terrible liar.
So instead of dancing around the issue, I took the wisest course of action.
I told her everything.
I told her that I had fallen in love with Obi-Wan. How it has just crept up on me. How I had done everything in my powers to deny those feelings, for fear of harming him in some fashion.
Of keeping those emotions in check when I finally admitted to myself that I did love him, making the decision to wait until Obi-Wan took the trials and became a Knight before broaching the subject.
I left nothing out. I explained about my last evening with him on Courscant and... and of my shameful behaviour.
Depa listened in the same fashion as ever. Taking everything in and then making her views known. When I had finished my angst-ridden account, she simply turned to face the planet side view.
"Tell me, Master Jinn." She began. I braced myself, this did not bode at all well. "Just how old is Obi-Wan now?"
I paused a moment before answering. What in the name of Dark was she hinting at?
"Obi-Wan is twenty four. He'll be twenty five just before the Spring Festival" I replied, bemusement colouring my tone.
Depa turned from the window to face me.
"Despite what you may think Qui-Gon" She stated softly "Padawan Kenobi is a grown man. He is no longer a child. He can tell right from wrong and I am sure that he is capable of telling when he is being taken advantage of."
I sighed. Again I had forgotten, in my mental recriminations, one small but fundamental truth. My apprentice was a man, in mind as well as in body.
"Then why did he not react when I..." I trailed off, my mind providing possible reasons, all too fanciful to be true... or could they?
"Gave him the massage and kissed him?" Depa supplied, she shook her head, her dark eyes filled with exasperation.
"Qui-Gon Jinn! For someone as perceptive and powerful in the force as you... you can be really dense when it comes to matters of the heart!"
"Has it ever occurred to you that Obi-Wan did not push you away because he wanted what you gave him? That he loves you," She finished, her soft voice coloured with her conviction.
I paused. Could it be possible? Could Obi-Wan really love me?
Part of me wanted to shout in joy, but innate caution kicked in. If the Force willed it, then so it would be.
I leant forward and pulled her into a bear hug.
"Thank you," I whispered, grateful for her understanding and her counsel.
"A pleasure, Qui-Gon," She sighed resting her head against my chest, as of old. "I just want to see you happy."
I kissed her hair and tightened my hold, taking comfort from her presence.
It was only when Depa sensed the presence of the Ship's Captain, perhaps coming to inform us that our shuttle was ready, did we part.
As we left the deck, I could feel her presence, caressing mine.
#The Force's will be done# I mentally whispered. She smiled and we made our way to the docking bay.
As promised, Master Mace Windu met us when we landed.
Instead of the customary bows, there were embraces.
"It's good to have you both home," Windu stated as we walked off the landing platform and into the Temple proper.
"How have matters been here?" Depa enquired, as hungry for news as I.
"Things have been going very well." Mace began "Your presence during the Celalber negotiations have been hailed as being integral to the whole process. Both sides have nothing but praise for your efforts."
#A shame that they could not have been more tractable during the negotiations! # Depa thought wryly. I hid my smile and continued to listen to Mace's briefing.
"Valorum wishes to speak with you both, to gain your insights in the next day or so. He fully understands that with both of you being involved in the upcoming Ascension ceremony-"
Mentally I ground to a halt. I would only be involved if- that must mean...
"Has there been any news of my Padawan, Master Windu?" I asked, trying to hide my emotions in the formal language.
Mace smiled at that, years of friendship gave him the understanding that I needed to know the answers as quickly as I could.
"Qui-Gon, the answers you seek are in the Great Hall." He made a shooing motion gesture "May the Force be with you."
I bowed to both Masters and, with as much dignity as I could muster, ran down to the Great Hall.
******* ******* *******

I had to stop for a few moments outside the Great Hall before entering. Not to catch my breath, but to calm my mind.
For the first time in so many years, I was afraid. Afraid to enter, afraid of Obi-Wan's reaction. Afraid of leaving with a shattered heart.
I closed my eyes and centred myself.
Best get the matter done with.
Around me was quiet hustle and bustle as the Great Hall was prepared for the most joyful ceremonies of the Jedi. The Ascension Ceremony. It is but a simple ceremony, where the Padawan's braid is cut and a new life is forged.
Simple ceremony it may be, but it is witnessed by all of the Jedi on Courscant at the time, and by as many dignitaries as can fit into the Great Hall. In our lives of servitude, it is a time of celebration.
In the centre of the hall, by the main stage, knelt my Padawan next to Master Yaddle. As I approached, I began to hear their conversation.
"No second chosen have you," Master Yaddle stated in her quiet fashion.
"No, Master," Obi-Wan replied. He looked physically the same as when I saw him last, yet the Force spoke to me of great conflict and hard won compromise.
What had I done?
"Choose one you must," Yaddle whispered.
"Unfortunately, the one I would choose may refuse me," Obi-Wan whispered softly. I stopped where I stood. Obi-Wan had not noticed me, for the stacks of chairs needed for the Ascension ceremony had hidden my approach.
Yaddle closed her eyes, around me I could feel the force shift and change, probing, questioning.
"The Force you must trust," She whispered, reopening her eyes. She looked up, straight at me. "Greetings Master Jinn," She called.
I moved from my position from behind a stack of chairs.
It was time.
"Greetings Master Yaddle," I replied, bowing to the diminutive lady before me.
I turned to Obi-Wan. "Padawan," I said, doing my damnedest to keep my tone as neutral as possible.
"Master," He replied, bowing as tradition demanded. My heart almost broke to see him. Many might not notice but I could see the strain he was under.
It was Yaddle who finally broke the silence that had grown between us.
"I must leave, there is much to be done before the ceremony. May the Force be with you." With that she left.
Again silence descended upon us. I wanted to speak, but what would I say?
"How did the trials go?" I asked, berating myself for sounding like a stranger, not like his Master.
Obi-Wan smiled slightly before replying.
"The Council has seen fit to elevate me to the level of Jedi Knight."
At least there would be rainbows among the clouds. My apprentice had become a Knight.
I reached forward to embrace him, show my joy at his success.
He froze. I felt his body go rigid at my touch. I felt like the lowest form of scum for having acted in such a fashion that would provoke such a reaction from him.
"I owe you an apology," I whispered, turning away from him. The fault was mine, and mine alone.
The only course remaining to me was to confess my wrongdoing and ask to be absolved.
If I was lucky, we would remain friends, if not...
"Our last evening together in our quarters, I acted improperly. I should not have kissed you." I whispered, behind me I could sense him reaching out. I ignored it, in my self-pity, all that mattered was clearing my conscience.
"I had a reason for acting the way I did." For if I was to be damned, let me damned for the truth.
"I love you Obi-Wan. I kissed you because I-" I got no further as there in front of me was my apprentice.
Obi-Wan had placed a finger on my lips to silence me. His expression was one of surprise and delight.
"You love me?" He asked, there was no disgust in his voice, or hate or any dark emotions.
All I could sense was joy. Pure, unalloyed joy. I thought back to Depa's words, could Obi-Wan love me?
I simply nodded, not trusting myself to speak, else I ruin the possibility of happiness.
His smile was so bright, it could have eclipsed the sun outside.
"Oh Qui-Gon!" he whispered, removing his finger from my lips, only to lean forward to kiss me.
They say that actions speak louder than words, but I was not expecting this. It was just a peck on the lips, but no less treasured.
"You love me?" I managed to whisper, it sounded stupid to my own ears, but I had to know.
"Yes, Qui-Gon. I love you." Obi-Wan stated, before entering my arms to embrace me.
I held him close to me, savouring the feeling of his body pressed against mine. Enjoying the simple sensations of how warm he felt, how he smelt of forests and how good it felt to just hold him.
It was all I could do. I felt dizzy with revelation that he loved me. The Force singing it's joy in my mind.
I planted a kiss on his golden spiky hair. I smiled as I felt the silk of his hair brush against my lips. It grew wider as I heard his soft moan of contentment.
As ever the Force was correct. Matters were to change between us when we met next. I did not realise that it would be for the better.
Two new voices joined the Force's song. Looking up, I could see Master Yaddle and Master Gallia gazing at Obi-Wan and I. Their faces were wreathed with smiles. They are happy for us. I smile in return, pulling my new-found love closer to me.