The Darkness Within
by M. Kavanaugh
Feedback to ballyga@aol.com




Elora trudged her way back to her room from the gym. Every muscle in her neck, shoulder and back screamed in
agony. Gods, she hurt! letting out a whimper. But Master Tamerlin had insisted that she was only stiff, and that a
hot shower would do wonders. He also suggested dryly that in the future, if she wished to avoid stiff muscles, she
should spend more time at lightsaber practice. She gave a sigh as she walked in to the quarters she shared with her
Master and headed to the bathroom. She unconsciously flung her lightsaber across the room. She hated lightsaber
practice and wasn't too crazy about 'sabers either. She was training to be a healer, learning to manipulate the subtle
energies of the force to preserve life. She shook her head as she climbed into the shower, setting it at its highest
temperature with its maximum spray.
A groan escaped her lips. She never understood why so many people considered the 'sabers beautiful. They were
weapons, pure and simple and as weapons could do incredible damage to living tissue. Placed in the hands of a
trained Jedi, well, it could kill. No! She did not like the 'sabers, although they're the most obvious symbol of the
Jedi. She didn't even like the one she had been required to build. So she had made it as utilitarian as possible, as
simple as possible. No fancy designs, no carved etchings, no semiprecious, in fact her 'saber didn't look that
different from the practice ones the juniors used. She gave another sigh. As she stuck her head under the spray she
vaguely remembered that her 'saber was tossed somewhere in the common room. Damn, she had better find it and
put it away properly, because if Master Falynn found it discarded, say, under a chair, there would be hell to pay.
And Elora would do the paying.
A mind brushed Elora's, Hmm? And as she reached out for the thought wave she smiled, Paige!
She felt her best friend give a mental giggle, to which she responded What?
Paige answered mind to mind, I know you hate 'saber practice, that it always leaves you sore, but don't you think
you could have undressed before the shower? What? Elora looked down, Damn! Paige was right, aside from pulling
off her boots she was still fully dressed. She gave a tired sigh and began to strip, no wonder the hot water was
having no effect on her muscles. Another mental brush from Paige If you're that tired, maybe you should stay home
tonight. I can go to the Harvest Eve festival alone! Elora knew Paige was probably right, she also knew she needed
to get out of the Council Towers and mingle with ordinary people. In other words, she needed a night away from the
Jedi. She was so tired of every emotion, every eye blink, every sigh being analyzed. So she answered back, I need
to go! I need to relax and get away from all these damn Jedi! Silence, then Did you get permission to go? Elora
chuckled, Paige really should know better by now! Did I ask? Elora countered back.
She could hear Paige mentally sigh, You are going to get in trouble...again! Elora nodded. Yes...yes I will. Oh,
don't worry, I'll leave a message for Master Falynn Elora climbed out of the shower and hung up her tunic and
leggings to dry. *Oh well, they needed to be washed.* She stopped to look iin the mirror at herself while untangling
her hair with a brush. She was of average height and weight with thick, long, wavy brown hair down the middle of
her back. Her skin was a golden Carmel shade and out of a heart shaped face sparkled pale green eyes, Pale green
eyes that darkened when she was angry, which if you knew Elora was quite often.
When she was younger she had overheard one of the Masters saying that she would be a beauty when she grew up.
A beauty? Was she a beauty? Well, she was 17 going on 18 in a few months, so theoretically she had grown up. But
beautiful, no, she didn't see it. There was nothing spectacular in the mirror. Besides beauty and a sack was only
worth the price of the sack. Looks were irrevelant! She finished untangling her hair and was about to reweave a
heavy braid down her back. But she decided against it. Tonight she was going incognito. Giving her Padwan braid a
tug, she wished she could unravel it for the night. But there were some rules even she did not break. She tucked it
back behind her ear, letting it blend with the rest of her hair, where no one would notice. A brush from Paige Are
you wearing the Robes? Elora gave a wicked grin, Nope! More silence, then a groan I wish I didn't have to! Elora
chuckled as she walked through the common room to her bedroom to get dressed, You have to wear the Robes
You're on display as Senators I'Bends' miracle Jedi daughter! she teased Paige.
Elora shook her head, miracle indeed! Paige I'Bend was the only daughter of the Junior and Senior Senator from
the Dantooine. That of itself could be stressful enough for any child. Politics on Coruscant could be fast and furious,
not exactly the warm and nurturing environment in which to raise your offspring. Which is why most Senators left
their families at home, while they toiled away on Coruscant. Of course that wasn't the ideal situation either.
Senators often spent months away from home, away from those they represented. Which meant months away from
children whose memories of their parents were of cold, distant figures dressed in Senatorial white gowns.
Now to this add the fact that natives of Dantooine were normally "resistant to the force." On the whole, their
midi-chlorian count was somewhere in the low 100's, whereas Paige's topped out at 2K per a dl. And you just had to
ask, where the heck did this child come from? Are you sure she's a Dantooine native? It was, politically speaking, a
marriage made in paradise. Her parents could, by having Paige appear at political functions, remind everyone of
their connection to the Jedi. Remind everyone that they were powerful and well connected. That perhaps it would
be good to stay on their good side and not vote against them! Of course, there were many layers of manipulation
possible. And this bothered the Council to no end. They couldn't prevent Paige from seeing her parents or
celebrating holidays together. But they drew the line at political functions. Padwan I'Bend would not be used as a
puppet for her parents' political agenda. The Jedi would not be manipulated for the benefit of any one senator, but,
instead, act for the good of all. It was a lesson they had taught well to Paige. That she was Jedi first and
Dantoonian last. It was a lesson she had taken to heart.
Elora gave a sigh as she finished dressing, slipping a soft, flat gray pair of slippers on her feet. She walked into the
common room, over to the comm unit to leave Master Falynn a quick message. A mind brushed hers Are you
coming? We'll be late! Elora nodded and finished the message, then fled the room and down the hall to join Paige.
Elora thought, * the only reason the Council let Paige go is because Harvest Eve is not a political function, but
rather a spiritual one. Dantoonians strongly believed in reincarnation, and the idea of birth/death/rebirth cycle was
so integral to their culture that the Council couldn't say no. So Paige was allowed to go, as she had every Harvest
Eve. And naturally, where Paige went, so went Elora.
The two of them were inseparable. From the moment 5 year old Paige saw 2 1/2 year old Elora, they had taken to
each other. In the beginning it was seen as cute, but in later years the Council encouraged it. Put simply, Paige had
a calming effect on Elora. In terms of temperament, they couldn't be more different from each other. If Elora was
as turbulent as a storm front, then Paige was the calm eye of the storm. Even physically they were different. Paige
was tall and willowy with a peaches and cream complexion. And her honey blonde hair hung down to her shoulders.
But what really mesmerized Elora was her sapphire blue eyes. They sparkled and danced and if you weren't careful
you could drown in them. Many a young Padwan both male and female had. Not even Masters were exactly
immune from their charms. Elora shook her head, wondering how for the umpteen time she was lucky to have Paige
as her friend. Paige was charming and gracious, she was kind and generous. Everyone loved Paige, whereas Elora
was all pricks and thorns, a constant trouble maker.
Elora pulled up in front of Paige and look her over. Damn, she even makes the Robes look like Haute Couture, the
height of fashion! Elora looked down at her own dress, brushing out a wrinkle. It was white with thin straps that
crisscrossed down the back. The hemline landed just below her knee with two side slits up to the thigh. And
underneath it she wore silver leggings. Was her outfit dressy enough? "You look fine! Now come on, Elora, we are
late!" And with that Paige grabbed Elora's arm and swept the two of them out into the Coruscant night.
Part Two
Elora pushed her way through the crowded room to the door that lead to the balcony. Once outside she took a deep
breath. She had forgotten how crowded a Harvest Eve festival could get. It seemed to her that there was no one
that Deena I'Bend had not invited. Her motto seemed to be the more the merrier. She shook her head as she
walked to the balcony wall. She chided her self, * Maybe I should have stayed home tonight, after all I must be
pretty tired for the claustrophobia to be kicking in* Taking another breath and letting it out, she could feel her
racing heart calming to a more regular beat. Claustrophobia, yes another of her dark secrets that she had taken
great pains to hide from other Jedi. It was a personal flaw, that she refused to share with anyone. After all they
gave her enough grief about her other failings, no need to add fuel to the fire. And anyway her claustrophobia
wasn't a problem. She normally had it under control, the only time lost control was when she was tired and or
stressed. Usually both. And in any case, she'd get herself excused from the activity, saying she was exhausted, and
she would go straight to bed. By morning the racing heart and the tightness in her chest would be gone with no one
the wiser.
Still she didn't regret coming tonight. She enjoyed the opportunity to spend time around "normal" people, who
didn't have auras that shouted at you. To not have to worry if you're shielded enough, so that your
thoughts/feelings were safe in your mind. It was a pleasure to interact with someone and not worry about being
holier than Jedi! Of course part of the reason this worked is that Paige's parents understood her need to be just a
teenager, and had always introduced her as a friend of the family. Gods, Paige's parents, Deena and Marius I'Bend
were great! In fact, in one of Elora's darker moods she would have freely admitted that she deeply jealous over
Paige's closer relationship with her parents.
Elora had always missed that sense of closeness, of warmth and belonging. She had been taken to the Temple at 2
years old. And her parents had died in a plague shortly after her 3rd birthday. In fact the only family member to
have survived was Aunt Selba. And she stopped sending birthday greetings 5 years ago. So no, Elora didn't really
feel as if she had a family, she felt like an orphan. Oh well, theoretically everyone at the Temple was family. Yet
Elora felt close to none of them. Truthfully she didn't trust any of them with her heart. The few times she had been
foolish to open up and voice a fear, she had been remanded so hard, slapped down so fast, that she physically hurt.
So aside from Paige, no one needed to see her heart.
And as for her soul, that was something else altogether. Her soul was a dark unhappy place, filled with dark
unhappy thought and emotions. It was best to leave that place inside her...alone. To keep those thoughts/feelings
under lock and key where they couldn't cause anyone trouble. Even Paige wasn't aware of all of Elora's dark
secrets. She didn't know the truth about Elora's feelings for her. And Elora planned to keep it that way. Her
friendship with Paige was the most important relationship in Elora's life. So she wouldn't do anything/say anything
to ruin it. She had so little in her life, she just couldn't loose Paige. So those unruly feeling of hers for Paige would
just have to stay locked away. And that was it!
Elora reached down and touched the pendant at her throat. She did that several time a day to make sure it was still
there. It was the one thing of value she owned. Yes, the necklace had been a birthday gift from Paige. It was
sterling sliver with 3 spirals or what was called a Triskele. It represented the birth/death/rebirth cycle. And it
ensured the wearer peace and harmony while in this incarnation. It was believed to be an object of power and
protection to the Dantooine people. Elora wasn't sure if she believed in that, to her it was a gift of love from Paige
and that was enough.
One of the balcony doors opened and closed behind her. But she paid it no attention. Instead she was thinking to
herself that it was funny how here on Courscant it was the middle of summer, while it was the beginning of winter on
Dantooine. She gave a sigh, Paige would be wondering where she was, and since she was feeling better she would
rejoin the festival. As she turned she heard a deep silky voice say, "Good Harvest, Jedi." *What??* She found
herself looking at this man, who was dressed head to toe in black. * I think he's Zabrakian. He has the dark skin
coloring, which probably means he's from the northern continent, not unusual. But what is unusual is the red
tattooing all over his face! And his greeting, it was the traditional greeting at Harvest Eve, but he called me Jedi!*
Elora swallowed, "Why would you think I'm a Jedi?" He smiled and reaching across and behind her he pulled a
Padwan braid over her shoulder. She was shocked, how did he notice when no one else did?
She gave a nervous smile, "Um, Yeah, and Good Harvest to you, Pilgrim." She was getting nervous, she did not
like this man, whoever he was. He looked at her the way Jedi looked at her, or rather through her. And those damn
piercing red eyes! "Your not wearing your lightsaber." He said, it really wasn't a question but rather a statement.
Elora nodded, "I'm here at this party incognito, so wearing it would probably give me away. And besides I don't
really need it. I mean how often does a lightsaber battle break out at a Harvest Eve festival?" He smiled and
started to chuckle. Elora breathed a sigh of relief. Now maybe a few more words and she could go back to the
party. "Nice party." Elora commented.
"Hmm, yes it is." He agreed.
Elora nodded, "Yes, Mistress I'Bend's parties are always fun." * Well, enough of the small talk* Elora though to
herself. " If you will excuse me, Pilgrim, I'll go back and rejoin the party."
"No." he stated simply. * What??* Elora was confused as he took another step closer to her. "No, you don't want
to rejoin the party, just yet!" he murmured. He was staring at her throat, looking as if he was making some kind of
decision. When he reached out to touch the silver pendant. Elora let out a breath,
* Oh.* "It is a gift from a dear friend." She explained.
"Yes, I can see that. It is very pretty. But I'm afraid that her love won't protect you, nothing will!"
And with a snarl he pulled on the chain and it snapped off her neck. Elora felt a sharp pain around her neck and was
surprised to see her necklace broken off in his hand. He held it up in front of her, sneered then threw it over her
shoulder and off the balcony. She reached out with the force to snag her flying necklace, and that's when it hit her,
the force! She couldn't feel it or touch it! It was as if she was wrapped in a blanket, everything was muffled!
But how? Him, he must be doing it! She though as she watched her necklace fall out of sight. She tried to give a
mental scream as he slammed her up against the wall. She tried to call out to Paige, but it was no use, she couldn't
touch the force!
She opened her mouth to scream and that is when he kissed her. He grabbed her jaw and covered her mouth with
his. It was a brutal kiss, his lips grinding against hers, forcing her mouth open. He was sticking his tongue down her
throat and she was struggling to get away. She was screaming in her mind, * Get off me! Let me go! Help Me! OH
PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!*
But no one heard her, and she couldn't move, he had her pinned against the wall tight. Damn, he was hurting her!
Then she began to get frantic, she couldn't breath! She needed air, she tried to take a deep breath, but it didn't get
in. Her lungs weren't working, they were burning! She tried to break the kiss, but she couldn't. Everything started
to grow dim, the color washed out and turned black, white and gray. Just as she was about to black out she broke
the kiss. Elora began to gulp air as she leaned her forehead against his chest. *Wonderful sweet air.*
She also began to feel pressure inside her head, behind her eyes. The pressure began to build and it was killing her,
the pain! She felt a growl inside her head ~ Let me in!~ And that's when her shields started to crumble. He was
inside of her mind, and God's, he was dirty! His thought's were nasty/fifthy and she was sick.
He could see all of her, all that was her, came under his eyes. She tried to hide from him. But there was nothing to
hide behind. She tried to construct a barrier, but he just knocked it down. She kept running ahead, trying to close
the doors to rooms, that housed various old memories. But it didn't matter, he'd just push her aside and fling open
the door. Once inside he'd look around, and chuckle to himself. Then he would leave for the next memory room.
They were reaching dangerous territory, they were coming to her Dark Secrets, to rooms she never opened, ever!
She couldn't let him enter, open the door and let those things out! She threw herself in front of him,
*No, she pleaded, You don't want to go in there, please!* But he just sneered at her and opened the door. And as
he entered all the pain, insecurity and fear from the room hit her. But something else hit her too! Anger! *Who the
Hell does he think he is! And what am I a toy, a puppet for his amusement! Well, fuck him!* And the anger built up
and pushed hard forcing it's way out of her. Regaining her voice she yelled, "GET THE HELL OFF ME, YOU
BASTARD!!" She felt him release her. Opening her eyes she found herself staring down at him. What??? How did
he fall down, I mean why?
The anger had left her, replaced by fear. She saw amusement then humor sparkle in his eyes. But fear took over
her, she needed to get away, he was dangerous! He knew her intimately, in a way the Jedi did not. And he had hurt
her, she could still feel the residue he left behind in her mind. She took a step around him and ran for the balcony
door. Maul sat on the stone floor of the balcony where he had fallen. Or rather where she had knocked him flat on
his ass! He chuckled to himself, such anger in a Padwan! Unheard of! The Jedi aren't doing a good job with her, are
they? I'll even bet they don't know the truth, her truth! She is so very good at hiding the truth! A healer, my Ass!
The Jedi have no idea what she really is! Their loss, because as of tonight she is mine!
Part 3
Master Falynn rolled over in her bed for the umpteen time in so many hours. It was comical, she was exhausted,
she should be a sleep. But she couldn't. Apparently there was a difference between being tired and what she had.
The kind of tired she had sunk into your bones, until it became part of your DNA. It was the kind of tired that no
matter how much you slept, you never felt well rested. Of course that was if you could sleep, because mostly you
can't. At least Falynn couldn't sleep. She could meditate and she could lie on her back for several hours staring at
the ceiling. And she might doze lightly, to awaken at the slightest of noises, but she couldn't really sleep. And
tonight she wasn't sleeping. She had too many problems on her mind. She was a busy woman, she was a Master
Healer with a Padwan learner. And at the same time she held a seat on the Jedi Council. This was unprecedented,
to be a Master Healer with a Padwan was a full time job unto itself. And to hold a seat on the Council, to make
decisions that would affect Jedi everywhere. Well, that was a huge responsibility, and one that Falynn had always
felt honored to have accepted. That is until lately, lately she just felt over burdened. She felt as if her two jobs were
pulling her in different directions. The Council often needed her, but so did her Padwan Elora. And if she were
honest, she knew in her heart that often the Council had gotten time that she should have spent on Elora.
She shook her head,# how do you weigh the needs of the many against the needs of the one?# That was her
problem, she didn't know how. And if she wanted to be brutally honest, she would have to admit it was Master
Jinn's fault that she was on the Council! Yes, it was Qui-Gon Jinn's fault. If he would only act his age and not like
an insolent child, disagreeing with the Council every chance he got. * Then he would be sitting on the Council, and I
would be getting a full night of sleep! I wish I could resign from the Council, but who would take my seat? No, there
is no one, so instead I am stuck on the Council. And today I heard how the Baanus people have reverted to their
primitive ways. And are now serving their neighbors from Kxurn as Hor 'dorves. That's right one intelligent species
is eating another intelligent species! Lovely, huh! So I spend all day in Council, and in meetings with the senators of
various worlds, deciding what the response to this...this should be. And after all that time, all that effort I'm starting
to believe that our best efforts will be futile. So many innocent have died, how many more will?
Then when the Council broke for the night, she got ambushed in the cafeteria by Tamerlin. He was visibly annoyed,
it seems that Elora is not progressing well at all. In 6 months she should be eligible to graduate from his lightsaber
classes, and devote more time to healing. Well, as far as he was concern, that would be highly unlikely. She doesn't
spend enough time training, hell she doesn't spend enough time with her 'saber! She never wears it, only to and
from practice in the gym. And to drive this point home, when Falynn made it back to her quarters she found Elora's
lightsaber under the chair by the book shelf.
"Oh Elora!" Falynn sighed to herself, as she rolled over in bed again. Her Padwan wasn't a bad kid but she could
be trying. She somehow always managed to rub people the wrong way. Elora had a truthful streak in her that
others, especially her elder's didn't always appreciate. Oh, let's face it, she told others what they needed to hear,
not what they wanted to.
And often it wasn't flattering. Somehow it was okay when an 770 year old Jedi Master said it. It was taken as a
pearl of wisdom. When a 16 year old Padwan said it, she was a rude and spoiled child. Take today at lightsaber
practice with Master Tamerlin, she was late as usual, which always annoyed the Sword Master. He ran her through
her Katas. to only prove that, No she wasn't practicing on her own at all. Instead she dropped her lightsaber 3
times. And when he confronted her with the fact that her knew of her negligence, she shrugged and said, " Light
sabers are an antiquated way to fight. Really Master Tamerlin, you're living in the Dark Ages! If you want to teach
us how to defend ourselves, you should be teaching how to shoot a blaster accurately. I mean how often are our
enemies going to attack using a lightsaber?"
It took everything in Tamerlin not to reach out and hit his student, really hard. "A blaster!, he sputtered to Falynn,
What does she want next, a full membership with the Mercenary Guild?" Falynn chuckled to herself, the image of
Elora aiming a blaster was ... hysterically funny. Elora couldn't hurt any living thing. Last spring when Dame bugs
had invaded her closet and laid eggs in a pair of her shoes, she did nothing about it. She just stopped wearing that
pair. Falynn sighed, this business with the blaster was bravado, all of it. It was bravado that Elora used to hide a
multitude of insecurities. For instance, the lightsaber problem, she knew Elora was terrified of them. As a child
Elora had been present when a Padwan had been trying out a newly built 'saber. As it turns out a poorly built
'saber. During the trails of the 'saber, it exploded and did horrible damage. The Padwan had lost his arm. Falynn
though, Elora's dislike of 'sabers had to be connected to this event.
Oh, it isn't something she is probably even aware of, it is just a submerged memory. But this memory was having
lingering effects. And trying to get her to talk about it was futile, you would simply get more bravado. Giving her
pillow a punch, Falynn sighed, All I can do is to reach out to her, offer her support. I can't force her to be healed,
she has to ask for help first. She has to want it. Well, I don't have to worry about her tonight. Thanks to the
message she left I know she is spending Harvest Eve with Paige. And as long as she is with Paige everything will
be fine. Paige will keep her out of trouble, and prevent her form trying alcoholic beverages/spice.
And even get her home at a decent hour. So for tonight Elora will have a good time and maybe tomorrow she'll be in
a relaxed mood. Perhaps even receptive enough to try Tamerlin's latest suggestion, on how to improve her
lightsaber techniques.
Part 4
Hmm? Falynn rolled over in bed and gave a yawn. She had finally drifted off to sleep. So what had awakened her?
A buzzing from somewhere? Falynn thought sleepily as she climbed out of her bed to stand in the middle of her
room. So what's buzzing?... the comm unit! Ah damn! With that Falynn ran barefooted into the common room to
answer it. Flipping it on, she was surprised to see the face of Paige I'Bend. Something was wrong, very wrong.
Paige didn't look her normal calm self, she looked worried. No, she look frightened!
Falynn was the first to speak, " Paige, what is wrong?"
"Um, Master Falynn, is Elora there?" Paige asked tentatively, but then the next words tumbled out in a panic,
"Because she isn't here, we were supposed to leave together, but I can't find her, she disappeared and I don't know
where she is, the party has been over for a half hour and no one has seen her leave, my parents are questioning the
security, but it is no use..."
Falynn interrupted her, " Padwan I'Bend, take a deep breath, you're panicking and if we are to find Elora, I'll need
your help. First I'm going to check and see if she isn't here somewhere at the Council Towers." Falynn reached out
checking their quarters and spreading her mental search outwards to encompass the whole Jedi Complex. Damn!
Elora was not in their quarters or in the gym. She was not in the meditation gardens or the cafeteria. In short she
wasn't anywhere on the Council Tower grounds! Now we have a problem! Looking down at the face of a slightly
less panicked Paige I'Bend, she spoke as gently as she could "Elora is not here, she has not returned. Have you
informed your Master of this problem?"
Paige shook her head, numbly.
"Okay, I will! You stay put and I'll get Master Alton and a few others to come with me. Once we get there we will
organize a search party. Don't worry sweetie, we will find her!"
Falynn swallowed back the bile in her throat. Something must be wrong, something very bad must have happened
for ... for Elora to have abandoned Paige. She took a deep breath, forcing down her panic down, her Padwan needed
her to be clear headed. She ran into her bedroom and with economy of movement slipped out of her sleeping robes
into proper Jedi robes. And grabbing her lightsaber she was almost out the door, when something caught her
attention. Was it a sigh or a moan? She wasn't certain, but she knew she wasn't alone in her bedroom. Something
had moved in the corner, no flinched. She turned towards the corner, a dark lump was curled up on the floor.
Reaching out with her mind she turned on the lights, and found herself looking down at Elora.
Elora's head was tucked down with her knees drawn up to her chest in a protective gesture. Two forest green eyes
stared up at Falynn and she was floored. Questions ran through Falynn's mind. How did Elora get in here, past her,
when she was on the comm unit? And how come when I felt for her presence, I didn't feel her? And what is she
doing here, curled up into a ball in my room? Why did she leave Paige at the party? And what happened at that
party? Falynn took a deep breath to steady herself, again. And that;s when she saw it, Elora's eyes, the pupils were
constricted, almost pinpoint. Her Padwan was in shock! Falynn mentally reached to check..and No, Elora's heart
rate was strong if a little fast, and her respiration's were good if a little shallow, but still matching heart rate
perfectly. So her Padwan was in some kind of emotional shock. "Elora, what's wrong? What happened?" Elora's
eyes blinked and unfocused for a moment, "N nnu nothing." Nothing, right! Falynn sighed, How did she get past
me while I was on the comm?
Then the answer hit Falynn, she didn't get past me! She was in the room already, she had entered while I slept.
While I ran to answer the comm, she was here! Then why didn't find her presence in our quarters, in the next room?
Falynn reached out and gasped, she had her answer! She couldn't feel Elora's presence now either, and she was
sitting in front of her! There was no emotions, no thought shadows, there was nothing coming off of Elora. Oh, she
could feel the biological processes of a living creature, heart rate, respiration, bowel sounds, etc. But they were
muted. Come to think of it, Falynn had noticed biological process before when she was looking for Elora. But she
had dismissed them, that they were so muted, she had thought they were coming from a small rodent! It was weird,
it didn't feel as if there was a hole in the force that Elora had dropped into. No, it was more as if she was blending
herself into the back ground, melting into the living force. As if she was trying to hide from something?
"Elora, what happened at the party?"
"Nothing." Elora replied with no emotion in her voice. This is not going well. But I need to ask her these questions,
because maybe I'll get something, maybe she'll say something.
"Elora, what happened at the party?"
"Nothing."
"Then why did you abandon Paige at the party?" Two green eyes blinked a few times, "I don't remember coming
home. I just found myself here, I don't know how I got here."
Gods, she's in shock, and using her voice as a life line. Falynn asked calmly, " Elora, what happened at the party?"

"Nothing, I don't know, I just found myself here... nothing."
"Okay, so why were you watching me asleep?"
More blinking, her green eyes unfocused, "I don't know, I was here and you were sleeping. And it was so safe in
here, watching you breathe, so safe and warm. So I stayed to watch you."
Safe, huh, Falynn mused, so she is hiding, but from what? "Elora, what are you afraid of? what are you hiding
from?"
"Nothing."
"Elora, what happened at the party?"
"Nothing."
Falynn shook her head, as Elora's head sank down on to her bended knees. Oh Gods, Falynn sighed, this was going
to be an endless night. She needed to contact the I'Bends and let them know Elora was safe.
She reached out to snag a blanket and dropped it around her Padwan's shoulders. Then she exited the room. Safe?
Was Elora safe? She might be home, but she was far from safe. She was badly hurt and in shock. But the shock
would wear away and anger and pain would be left. So no she wasn't safe, she could still be lost. Falynn was
reaching out to flip on the comm unit, lost in thought when the storm hit. Elora? Elora was out in the common room,
and that shield that hid her presence, the mask that held in her emotions had just cracked. And pouring from
beneath the mask was fear and pain.
"How could you leave me like that? Some Master Healer you are, how could you abandon me?!" Elora fumed.
"Elora, what happened at the party?"
"Nothing, nothing, I don't know, How could you abandon me? It was so cold and dark in the room without you!"
"Elora, I left the light on and you have a blanket wrapped around your shoulders." Falynn reasoned.
"But how could you have left me? When I hurt so much? I am in so much pain, how could you have left me?"
"Where does it hurt?" Falynn questioned
"It hurts all over, in my head and my gut. I hurt all over, can't you see I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding. I have a knife
sticking out of my stomach, and the pain won't go away!!!"
Elora was on the edge of hysteria, so Falynn dropped her voice an octave. "Elora, you're not bleeding, you have no
knife wounds, your heart is beating strongly and your breathing is good. You're not bleeding! Go ahead, take a
look."
Elora looked down, "I don't understand, where's the knife, the blood? How can I hurt this much and there's no
blood? How can I be in this much pain, where's the knife?"
"Elora's, what's wrong?"
" Nothing, I don't know, I just hurt, I feel like something was stolen from me. Like something was ripped away and
I can't live without it. It hurts so much...please...make the pain go away!"
Falynn nodded, "Before I can make the pain go away, I need to know what happened. Let me into your mind. Let
me see what happened."
Falynn reached to touch Elora's face, when Elora jumped back with a snarl, "What the Fuck do you think you're
doing?!"
Falynn was shocked, yet again. "I was just trying to touch your mind."
Elora snarled back, " Yeah, well stay the hell out of my mind! What do I look like a puppet, a toy that you can play
with! Stay the hell out of my mind, it's my thoughts and my business! So back, off, bitch!"
Elora's anger was like a tidal wave crashing over Falynn. She felt wounded, bruised tired and out of breath. She
took many deep breaths to calm and center herself, while watching her Padwan. And Elora stared back at her with
dark green furious eyes. The silence continued between them for many endless minutes. Then finally Elora started
to sway, exhaustion was taking over her. Without a thought, Falynn reached out to steady her. It was time to get
Elora to bed. But Elora misinterpreted her intent, and jumped backed with a growl, her anger and fury out of
control. And behind Elora the book shelf burst into flames. Falynn couldn't believe it, Elora hadn't done that in
years. It used to happen in the past when she was younger, When she had little control over her emotions, like now.
Falynn gave herself a mental shake, she had let this situation get out of control and now Elora was suffering for it.
In one swift move she contained the fire, smothering it. And reaching out she touched Elora's forehead, "Sleep"
she commanded her. And as Elora collapsed, Falynn scooped her into her arms, taking her back to the bedroom.
She happy was Elora had complied, for moment she was afraid Elora might resist.
But no, deep down Elora wanted to sleep, to hide from the pain, to embrace oblivion. Placing Elora in her bed she
climbed in and pulled Elora into her arms. Falynn found herself rocking Elora back and forth, while tears spilled
down her cheeks. Speaking to the unconscious Elora she said, "OH child, how could I have thought you would be
safe at that party? The I'Bends invite all sorts of people to those things, people I wouldn't let near you! But how
could I have known? You and Paige have been doing this for years, and nothing ever happened! I should have been
there! You're my Padwan! My responsibility! My joy! My pain! My love! My life! My child! How could I expect
another Padwan to keep you safe? I should have been there to keep you safe!
A sob echoed from the back of Falynn throat, You need to be healed, but it will take a lot of work, of pain and
sorrow. What if I'm not strong enough to help you find the light? What if I can't give you enough? What if my love
isn't enough? Oh Elora, what will I do? Sweet Naomi Sunrider, help me to be strong, she needs me to be strong!
And as Falynn tightened her arms around Elora, she brushed a kiss across the child's forehead......

Part Five
9 months later...
Elora trudged down the hall from the gym back to her quarters. She had spent the past 3 hours at lightsaber
practice, and now all she really wanted was a hot shower. She felt sticky, sweaty and achy. Oh she was sore all
right, but it was the good kind of sore. The kind of soreness you earned from a few hours well spent. The attack on
her 9 months ago had changed her life or at least her outlook on it. She had always been somewhat cynical but on
whole she believed that the universe was a safe place. And that people everywhere were basically good. She
believed that violence only happened to the weak, to those without resources or friends. But most of all she
believed that violence happened to others, never to her, and not to Jedi. Now she knew the truth, the unvarnished
truth. In reality the universe was a dangerous place, and people weren't good, just self absorbed. And that violence
came to everyone, the weak and strong, the powerful and the powerless. And yes, even Jedi weren't safe. Only the
dead were safe.
Elora had never been good with trusting. And after the attack she was less so. How could you trust anyone, even
when they meant well they still hurt you! Take for instance her elders, they said they wanted the best for her,
raising her in a nurturing environment. Yet they never prepared her for the harsh realities of life. If she had been a
naive child prior to the attack, she felt they were to blame! Yes, she did feel like a changed person. The person she
had been and the person she was now, bore little resemblance to each other She would never be that naive, and she
wouldn't let herself be a victim again! So she decided to take her physical training more seriously. She began
putting more hours after class to perfect her moves. She worked hard to become one with her Katas, so that her
would react without her thinking.
Perversely enough she was on her way to becoming Master Tamerlin's darling. He was so proud of her now, proud
of her new dedication at learning to defend herself. He was now having her help him with the junior classes, doing
basic stuff, like how to hold a saber and maintenance. His praises were a little over the top, and Elora did her best
to ignore them. After all overweening praise and a sack was only worth the price of a sack. And paradoxically as
Master Tamerlin's opinion of her increased, the opinions of her Healing professors decreased. Where once she had
been, according to them a talented and empathic healing student. She was now inflexible and indifferent to the pains
of others.
The last straw came earlier today, when she set that 14 years old Padwan's arm. Master Allton felt that she was
harsh and brutal. And he went as far as to suggest that she wasn't ready to resume her duties at the Clinic, yet. So
that was it, she was suspended from the Healer's Clinic for an undetermined length of time. She wouldn't be allowed
to return until she had fully healed from her attack. And through out all of this Master Falynn was silent, she didn't
say a word. She just stared at Elora. Elora gave a sigh, earlier she had been furious, how could her Master just sit
there and not defend her? How could her Master just sit there and stare at her? But that was then and now she was
just tired, and she didn't care. She just wanted a shower and take her punishment and get it over with. Turning the
corner she ran smack into Paige. The two friends backed off and circled each other, not certain what to say, not
certain who should make the first move.
Paige broke the silence, "Elora, hey...how's everything?"
Elora shrugged, "Everything's fine."
"Yeah, I heard you're helping Tamerlin with the juniors."
"Yeah, well it's his way of rewarding me for the extra hours I've spent practicing." Elora explained
An uneasy silence.... Again Paige speaks up, "I am going to the meditation gardens, to hear the spring poetry
recital. Would you like to come?"
But Elora shakes her head, "NO, I can't, I need a shower, then I have a few hours of meditation to get through
before I can go to bed."
Paige was confused, "A few hours of meditation?"
Elora sighed, rubbing her neck, while Paige's eyes followed her hand,
"That damn little green troll, wants me to spend a few hours every night meditating on the nature of empathy, So I
got to go, bye." Stepping around Paige, Elora prepared to flee. However Paige's voice stopped her.
"I heard what happened, I heard what you did to that Padwan...Joss."
Paige turns to stare at Elora's back, "I heard you set his arm without pain killers, or pain sharing technique. I
heard that the pain was so bad that he went from shock to unconsciousness. So, when did you become such a cold
bitch?"
On the word bitch, Elora spun to face Paige, her eyes a green blaze.
"A bitch, a cold hearted bitch, is that what I've become to you? Poor Padwan Joss, is it? Well, let me tell you about
poor Joss, you don't know the whole story. You only know what I did to him, not what he did! Well, your precious
Joss, snuck in to the meditation gardens late last night. He climbed the Elbe tree, to steal the newly ripened Jewel
fruits. He said he wanted to know what they tasted like. And that it wasn't fair that Masters were allowed to eat
them. Then Joss got stuck up in the tree and couldn't come down. And instead of calling for help, he wound up
falling out of the tree and busting his ankle. Now did Joss come to the Clinic for his ankle? No, he didn't want
anyone to know what he did. So he wrapped it himself and figures everything would be okay. Well, he was wrong,
during 'saber practice he bounced on his ankle and it gave away. He landed on his arm funny and that is how he
broke it. Not so innocent!"
"But no pain killers..."
Elora interrupts, "He got what he deserved. It happened to him right in the middle of the Jedi Towers. he wasn't
alone at any point. He could have asked for help. He did this to himself. He wasn't thrown up against a wall, in the
dark totally helpless."
Reaching out to touch Elora's shoulder, "But no ..." Elora cuts her off, "I don't have time for this, later I'Bend !"
And Elora's gone, a dark figure down the hall.
Paige stares after the retreating figure, her lips part," What the hell happened to you, Elora? They said you were
getting better, they said that the nightmares had ended. That you were even starting to smile. They said I needed
to say away from you, that my being there would only complicate things. They said you were healing, but they were
wrong, so wrong! Pain wells up across Paige's face, So you're not wearing my necklace any more? Is that a way of
getting back at me? A way to show how much you hate me, because you...you blame me for all your pain? Well, he
didn't just hurt, he hurt me too! He took you away from me. So far away, that I can't find you! And I miss you so
much, just seeing you like this, wanting to hold you, and make the pain go away! Dammit!" Paige turns her face to
the wall, and pressing her forehead against it, she pounds her fist. "Dammit, Elora I miss you so much...it's not my
fault, I didn't know when it happened, I didn't feel your pain, I didn't know...Oh Gods, I didn't know!" And tears
slowly caress Paige's face.
Meanwhile... Elora reached her quarters out of breath, she could feel the walls closing in around her. "Dammit, I
would be just fine if I didn't have to deal with I'Bend. I hate the way she makes me feel so vulnerable and needy!"
Stepping out on to the balcony Elora took a deep breath. But it wasn't working, her heart was still racing! She
looked up, even the clouds were pressing down on her, squeezing the air out of her lungs! She pressed her hand to
her chest, her heart was racing a mile a minute, her breathing was even faster. She had to do something or die!
Running in to her bedroom, she rummaged through her thing until she found what she was looking for. Turning her
Vibro-blade on, she dragged it down the sensitive skin of her inner arm.
THE PAIN! Gods, the pain! Shiny and hot, white hot! But it felt good! She could concentrate on the pain and slow
down her breathing. With the pain she could regain control. And taking another shallow slice, she could feel her
heart slow down. This pain was good because she could control it. And with it she could regain control of her life.
And better still no one would know, after all she was a healer, wasn't she? Sitting on the floor, she watched as the
blade made a third shallow cut and three ribbons of blood trickled down her arm. Yes, she was feeling better.

Continued in Part 6....

<< The Darkness Within Part 6....
3 Months later....
Elora sat on a bench on the balcony outside her quarters. She
gave a sigh and picking up the data pad on her lap, began to record the first
entry in her journal.
The Journal of Elora Lars, the First day of the first month
of summer, In the Year of the Founding 4225....Here goes, I feel kind of
stupid in trying to write this entry. It is so not me! I mean keeping a
journal! But it is not like I have a choice, not any more. In the 3 months
since the "Padwan incident"
my healing councilors feel that I haven't made any progress. A few have
actually suggested to Master Falynn that I'm not cooperating with my healing
regiment. They have been discussing amongst themselves and think that I would
perhaps be better off with the Agro Corps. A farmer, that's right they want
me to work at healing plants! They don't trust me around sentient lifeforms.
Damn!
And that is why Falynn came to me again, and asked me to keep
this journal. She said that it would prove to the others that I was
interested in my rehab. That in fact I did want to be healed. I wanted to say
no, like the other times I had. But I couldn't, the sad look in her eyes was
too much. I couldn't hurt her any more, than I already had. So...here I am
writing in this journal, with Falynn's promise that no one will ever see it.
That this journal would be just a way for me to explore my feelings without
pressure or judgment. That this journal would be like a mirror for me, to
reflect back the workings of my mind. Frankly I think it sucks....
Elora

The 9th day of the first month of summer, 4225 YOF (Year of
founding.) I ran into him today. You know that Padwan Joss. I hate bumping
into him in the halls. He is always looking at me with such fear, that makes
my stomach twist and I can hardly breath. Damn...I really hate him! He makes
me feel so...All right, I'll say it, feel guilty! I mean I apologized for
what I did, and he still looks at me like I kicked his puppy. Today, looking
into his sad brown eyes I felt trapped. I wanted to hurt him again, to make
him stop looking at me like that. But I was good.
I smiled at him as the panic set in, I made it to my room. And with my
Vibro-blade took back control. What I did to him wasn't wrong, he deserved to
be punished. But maybe I should not have been the one doing the punishing.
Maybe I should have left it to Joss's master.
After all, when I was his age I would have pulled a stunt
like that. Climbing the Elba trees to taste the "forbidden" Jewel fruits.
Yep, at his age I broke as many rules as I could. I am surprised that it
never occurred to me to try that! In a way Joss does remind me of my self,
courageous, surly too smart for my own good, a real trouble maker.....Damn!
...what am I saying!!!!! I am nothing like Joss!!!! I am disicplined!...but I
was like him? was I? am I?....Damn I hate him!!! Stupid Journal!!!
Elora

The 15th day of the first month of summer, 4225 YOF. I don't
know, but lately I find my self thinking about old Master Torren, you know
the Master of the children's chreche. I find myself missing him. He died
shortly after Falynn had picked me for her Padwan. As I remember it, he died
while on a diplomatic mission on Arcadia.
Poor man, he was only there to take the infant royal prince back to
Coruscant. H e was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and was killed with
the royal family. A year or so later, when the military government was put
down, a democracy was formed. And Master Torren was hailed as a martyr. He
became a powerful symbol for justice, for hope and courage to the Arcadian
people.
I remember when I learned of his death. I remember feeling numb,
of confusion and of unreality. And then I pushed him out of my mind. After
all I was busy learning on how to be a Padwan to a healer. Still I wished I
had cried, it would have been an honest display of my emotions, of the depth
of my feelings. He wasn't that old when he died, he must have been about 35.
But I guess when you're 4 anyone over 15 looks old. My earliest memories of
him are murky. I know I was 2 1/2 when I first came to Coruscant. I was too
old to be taken, but I guess the conditions at home were dismal. So that may
have motivated the council into taking me.
I remember missing my mother a lot, and crying often. I must have
gotten on Torren's nerves, because one night during a crying jag, he grabbed
me out of bed and took me into the hallway. I t was dark and I was afraid and
he was very angry. He shoved me into a cabinet and locked me in. He told me
that I couldn't come out until morning and that I was being punished for
being a brat. It was so tight in the cabinet, that I could only kneel with my
forehead against the doorway. I was so afraid I wanted to cry for help. But I
didn't, because maybe something worse would happen. So I didn't make a sound
and come the morning her let his good little girl out.
I keep thinking about him and what he did to me. I'm certain that
is where my claustrophobia comes from. Although I'll give him credit, he
cured me of crying. I haven't cried a day in my life since. I want to be
angry with him. To hate him for that and the other harsh punishments he
lavished upon me as a child. But I just can't seem to.
It was from him that I learned to cut myself. One day after a long beating,
I brushed against one of the bruises his fists had made. And it hurt really
bad, but strangely I felt better. I pressed down hard again and this time the
pain felt good, very good. The pain made me feel clean and whole. Of course
over time it wasn't enough to press on the bruises, I needed more pain. And
that's when I started to cut.
I stopped the cutting when I became Padwan to Falynn. She never
touched me, even when I really did deserve a good beating. Falynn is no
Torren, there were so many times she should have put me in my place, but
instead gave me a big hug... I know I should hate him...But I can seem to.
Instead I miss him! I wish he was here!
He would know what to do! If he was alive, I could go to him and ask him,
and he would tell me what to do. He was always telling me how to act, what to
say and how to think. Or maybe he would hurt me, hit me hard with his fist,
and make me whole again! Gods, I miss him so much! Elora

The 27th day of the First month of summer, 4225 YOF. The dreams
have come back. Only they're not really dreams, but more like nightmares.
I've spoken to my healers about them, about them coming back. And they think
that's good. They think that, I'm confronting the nightmare, trying to
reshape what happened. But they're not listening to me! I speak and they nod
and smile, they say "This was to be expected". Was it? Because I wasn't
expecting it! And it is not the same, it is very different from the attack.
I go to bed and I dream that I wake up. I'm lying on my back with
my eyes open, but I can't move. And he's there, the Zabrakian, the freak in
black and red tattoos with the red/yellow eyes. He's in the corner, in the
dark watching me. He comes over to my bed, and standing over me, he reaches
down to touch me. I want to move, I want to scream but I'm paralyzed. He
strokes my cheeks and runs his fingers over my lips. And he talks to me. But
he says things that I don't understand. He says that I'm so young to have

such ruthless enemies. That he doesn't understand what I did to earn their

anger. He says that it is not enough for them to see me turn to the dark
side. They feel that I'm not falling apart fast enough. And that's he sorry
but he must obey his Master. And that when the time comes he'll make the fall
as painless as possible.
Then he climbs on top of me. I can feel his weight pressing me
into the bed. And he kisses me, thrusting his tongue into my mouth while his
hips grind against mine. This is different from the attack. Then he wanted to
scare me, now...I don't know. But it feels different. A soft moan come from
my throat and he smiles. He climbs off of me, kissing my forehead. Telling me
again, that he'll make the fall as painless as possible and that he is sorry.
Then he walks back into the shadows and disappears. I can move again, and I
wake up shaking and screaming. And I feel Falynn arms around me, and her
voice telling me "Everything will be okay, baby." And I tell the healers all
of this and they nod and smile but they're not listening! I ask what do his
words mean, and they echo back, "You tell us, what do they mean to you?" I
want to hurt them, I want to take after them with my lightsaber!
I feel as if I have fallen into a dark well. And I keep begging,
yelling for someone to help me out. But the voices from up top keep shouting
down "Only you can help yourself out!" But how can I, I can't see the walls
around me. If I dwell in darkness how can I find the light? Why won't someone
give me a lit candle? Elora
Continued in Part 7



Disclaimer: All Star Wars characters belong to the George. He know this, I know this. I will not make a penny from
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Availability for sharing: Yes, for personal use, and M&A, all else please ask, I seldom say no!