Author: Devi (mathura108@yahoo.de)

Sequel, Prequel, or part of a series?: Might grow into a series if
enough people like it.

Rating: R (because of violence)

Category: humor

Characters: The Zahn Spawn (Mara, Thrawn...), the Andersonian
Creatures (Daala, Qui Xux...), and a bunch of others.

Summary: An all-out Deathmatch between Zahn's and Anderson's best
(and worst…) creations!

Disclaimer: LFL owns the whole shebang, I'm just having some twisted
fun with it. The words "walking like a man, hitting like a hammer"
stem from a Roxette song that I don't own either. No money being
made, no infringement intended. Please don't send any bounty hunters
or lawyers after me, I mean no harm.

The basic idea for the Deathmatch was taken from those "Mara Jade vs.
…" Deathmatches on SOTJ and TF.N (and they took it from the MTV
Celebrity Deathmatch). Usually, they let Mara lose (they did let her
butcher Jar Jar, though); but since I'm a Zahnite and a KJA-loather
(the two usually go together), I thought "Why not let Mara (and the
rest of the Zahn Spawn) beat up some of Anderson's characters?" I
humbly ask the originators of the "Deathmatch" concept not to take
offense that I'm twisting their idea around a little bit. It's all
for fun!!

Warnings: Only suitable for readers with a sense of humor. Contains
mild insinuations of Mara/Jaina. Content may hurt the feelings of
Daala fans – don't say I haven't warned you.

Archive: Yes, please!

*********************************************************************

The stadium is packed full. Tension is rising as we await the ZAHN
SPAWN vs. THE ANDERSONIAN CREATURES Deathmatch. The auditorium is
clearly divided into two factions.

On one side, we see the Zahnites, a huge, enthusiastic crowd. Some of
them are trying to pass the time by reading in their paperback copies
of Heir to The Empire, but most are too excited to do so. Among them,
there are many girls who are dressed in Mara costumes (complete with
Jade-green contacts), even though some of them are too chubby to look
good in skintight bodysuits. One of them has even dressed up as Mara- in-wedding-gown from Union. ("And I've sewn this all by myself!", she
proudly tells everyone.) There are also many guys (and some girls)
who are wearing red contacts, blue make-up, and bluish-black wigs to
honor that very special species from the Unknown Regions – the Chiss.

The Zahnites are waving picket signs with inscriptions like "ZAHN IS
GOD!", "HAIL MARA!", and "THRAWN KICKS BUTT!". One even carries a
sign that says "MITTH'RAW'NURUODO KICKS BUTT!", with all the
apostrophes in the right places – obviously a geek who doesn't have a
life.

On the other side, we see the Andersonians, a small bunch of freaks.
They carry picket signs with inscriptions like "SUPERWEAPONS ARE
COOL!", "KYP RULES, LUKE DROOLS!", and "MARA BELONGS TO LANDO!". One
girl has dressed up as Qwi Xux. Since she's allergic against the blue
make-up she's used for that purpose, she has developed an ugly, itchy
rash; and she permanently loses some of the chicken feathers that she
has made her Omwati wig from. Even her fellow Andersonians laugh at
her, but she defiantly holds on to her picket sign which reads "WEDGE
AND QWI FOREVER!"

~

The time has come for the contestants to walk in. No one is able to
keep on their seats.

TWO-HEADED ANNOUNCER: First, fighting on the side of Zahn, we have
the one whose very name sends a chill down the New Republic's
collective spine. Tactical genius and aficionado of art, here's Grand
Admiral Mizzraw… Mit-thraw… Mitthrawnooroo… ah, I give up – Grand
Admiral *Thrawn*!

ZAHNITES: YEEEEAAAAH! Thrawn! Thrawn! Thrawn! Thrawn!

ZAHNITES IN CHISS COSTUMES: THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN!
THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN!!! YEEEEAAAAH!!!!

ANDERSONIANS: BOOOOOOH!

The Andersonians throw eggs and rotten fruit. One of the eggs lands
on Thrawn's spotless white Grand Admiral's uniform. His bodyguard,
Rukh, jumps into the audience and snaps the neck of the unfortunate
person who has dared to throw it.

ZAHNITES IN CHISS COSTUMES (bowing to Thrawn): We're not worthy!
We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

TWO-HEADED ANNOUNCER: Fighting on the side of Anderson, we have the
feather-haired prodigy, the most brilliant weapon's scientist of all
times, the brain behind the Sun Crusher and the World Devastators,
not to mention Death Stars I and II. Get ready for the one and only
Qwi Xux!

ZAHNITES: Xux sucks! Xux sucks! Xux sucks! Xux sucks! Xux sucks! Xux
sucks!

The girl with the "WEDGE AND QWI FOREVER!" sign bursts into tears.

ANDERSONIANS: Qwi! Qwi! Qwi! Qwi! Qwi! Qwi! Qwi! (they don't sound
very enthusiastic, though)

TWO-HEADED ANNOUNCER: Fighting on the side of Anderson, straight
outta the Maw, there is the auburn-haired wonder, the first and only
female Imperial Admiral, the love slave of Grand Moff Tarkin –
Admiral Daala!

ZAHNITES: BOOOOOOOH!

ANDERSONIANS: DAALA! DAALA! DAALA! DAALA! DAALA! DAALA! DAALA!

Some of the male Andersonians remove their shirts and hold up
cardboard signs with the inscription "TARKIN IS DEAD – I'M ALIVE –
TAKE ME!"

As Daala walks in, the Zahnites make retching sounds and obscene
gestures. Not one to be easily intimidated, the Admiral gives them a
defiant twinkle of her emerald eyes.

TWO-HEADED ANNOUNCER: To complete the line-up, fighting on the side
of Zahn, there is the Goddess of the Scowl, the one whose temper is
as fiery as the color of her hair, the one whose curves resemble
hazardous paths through a complicated planetary system…

ANDERSONIAN #1 (to his neighbor, in an excited whisper): That's from
Champions of The Force, page 54!

TWO-HEADED ANNOUNCER: …the role model for stroppy women across the
galaxy, the Emperor's former…

ANDERSONIAN #2 (chiming in): …LOVE SLAVE! (He gets beaten up by a
bunch of Zahnites for his audacity.)

TWO-HEADED ANNOUNCER: …the former Emperor's Hand! Walking like a man,
hitting like a hammer; here's the renowned Master Trader, the one who
re-defined the meaning of "butt-kickin', no-shit-taking chick", the
one and only Mara Jade!!

ZAHNITES: MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA!
MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA! MARA!

SOME ANDERSONIANS: BOOOOOH!

SOME OTHER ANDERSONIANS: SHE BELONGS TO LANDO!

Mara glares at those who have shouted "belongs to Lando". Then she
smiles at the assembles Zahnites, causing some of them to swoon in
ecstasy.

The contestants take their places in their respective corners. The
commentator walks in. It's a famous personality from the world of
sports, the Dug Sebulba, who has recently retired from podracing.

SEBULBA: Before the Deathmatch begins, it's time for a few last
minute statements from the contestants. Let us start in the Zahn
corner!

He walks over to the spot where the Zahn Spawn awaits the match.
Assembled there are Mara Jade, Grand Admiral Thrawn, Talon Karrde,
Ghent, Aves, and their creator himself, Hugo Award winner Timothy
Zahn, affectionately known as "God".

SEBULBA (holds up a mike in front of Karrde): Mr. Zahn, how do you
estimate the chances of your contestants?

KARRDE (pointing to Tim Zahn): Er, *that's* the Great God Zahn, not
me!

SEBULBA (bewildered): But they told me it's the one with the black
beard!

MARA: It's the one with the black beard and the glasses!

SEBULBA (embarrassed): Ah, so! (holds up the mike in front of the
*real* Zahn) Mr. Zahn, how do you estimate the chances of your
contestants?

TIM ZAHN: I'm confident in regards with Grand Admiral Thrawn. He is a
genius; and the one they've given him for an opponent (points to Qwi
Xux) is just no match for him.

SEBULBA: But what about Mara Jade? She has lost the last few
Deathmatches; and Daala's gonna be a tough opponent!

TIM ZAHN: Daala? (disdainful snort) Well, as for my Mara, yes, she
has lost a few matches; but don't forget that this is still the same
Mara Jade who was instrumental in defeating the Dark Jedi Joruus
C'baoth. I have created her to be tough physically and emotionally.
She'll be back with a bang!

MARA: Thanks for your confidence, Great God Zahn! It will be a
pleasure to fight for your honor.

SEBULBA: Thanks for your statements. And now for a few voices from
the Anderson corner!

He walks over to the spot where the Andersonian creatures have
congregated around their creator, KJA (also known as the Antichrist).
There is Admiral Daala, Qwi Xux, Moruth Doole… well, you get the
picture. There are also a few YJK creatures such as Lowie, Anja
Gallandro the druggie, and Tamith Kai the Nightsister.

SEBULBA: Mr. Anderson, what is your estimation as to the outcome of
this Deathmatch?

KJA: Thrawn will lose, no doubt! The guy is so pathetic. I mean, he
never even used a superweapon! How can you be a fearsome Imperial
without a superweapon? (disdainful snort) Mara? Yes, she used to be a
force to be reckoned with. But ever since *I*, being the great
literary genius that I am, have taken away her hair color and
destroyed her personality, she's just as pathetic as my own
creations.

MARA (shouting from the Zahn corner): He *thought* he had me
destroyed! But my beloved creator, the Great God Zahn, restored my
hair and my soul! (She makes a few impressive martial arts moves
(think Trinity from The Matrix). As she does so, her hair flies
through the air like a fiery comet's tail, dazzling everyone present
with its red-gold brilliance.)

ZAHNITES (awed): AAAAAAAHHHH!

ANDERSONIANS: So what! Daala will still beat her because she's *not*
just a pretty Barbie doll! She got where she is because of her talent!

ZAHNITE #1: You mean her talent for giving Tarkin [CENSORED]? (A
bunch of Andersonians jumps on him and beats him up.)

SEBULBA: Dr. Xux?

QWI XUX: Actually, I'm only here because my superior, the commander
of Maw Installation (points to Daala), asked me to help her fight for
the honor of our great creator (points to KJA). I'm not too keen on
fighting myself. I'm actually a pacifist. Yes, I've heard that those
nice little gadgets I've designed have been used as weapons of war.
But that's outside my responsibility. I'm merely a scientist doing
neutral research.

SEBULBA: Admiral Daala?

DAALA: I got where I am because of my talent! Mara Jade has betrayed
the Empire, and she will die for it!

The Andersonians cheer.

SEBULBA: The first match, Thrawn vs. Qwi Xux, is about to start.
Let's hear a last minute comment from the audience! (He walks up to
the seat of Darth Vader.) Lord Vader, what are your expectations as
to the outcome of this match?

DARTH VADER: Well, to be honest, I never liked Grand Admiral Thrawn
too much. In fact, I was behind the court intrigue that got him
banished to the Unknown Regions. Nevertheless, I expect he will beat
up Qwi Xux with his little finger. That Omwati is just so pathetic!

SEBULBA: Thanks for the comment, my Lord! And by the way, can we two
talk about a rematch?

DARTH VADER: I beat you in an honest race, so – no!

SEBULBA (walks up to Wedge): Another last minute comment, General
Antilles?

WEDGE: I hope Thrawn will [CENSORED] this Omwati who has blemished my
reputation!

The girl in the Qwi Xux costume faints.

Thrawn and Qwi take their positions.

ZAHNITES AND ANDERSONIANS: We want blood! We want blood! We want
blood!

SEBULBA: The great and exalted Jabba the Hutt will give the sign for
the contestants to begin!

JABBA (translated from Huttese): May the match begin! (strikes gong)

THRAWN (musing to himself): The patterns of Omwati art suggest that…

MARA (impatient): Get on with it!

Thrawn charges at Qwi Xux, one little finger extended.

GIRL IN QUI XUX COSTUME (who has regained consciousness by now): GO
QWI!!! Show him who's the real blue skin!

Just as Vader has predicted, Grand Admiral Thrawn *literally* beats
up Qwi Xux with his little finger. The Omwati falls to the ground
with several broken ribs, a ruptured spleen, lacerations on her
kidneys, a broken jaw, one blinded eye – well, you get the picture…

ZAHNITES: XUX SUCKS! XUX SUCKS! XUX SUCKS!

ANDERSONIANS: Oh, nooo! Poor Qwi! Poor, poor Qwi!

THRAWN (with disdain): All too easy!

DARTH VADER (to Thrawn, hostile): Don't you dare to steal my lines,
blue boy!

THRAWN (also hostile): So, now we're getting racist, huh?

DARTH VADER: I'm the Dark Lord of the Sith, I can be as racist as I
like, ketchup-eye!

Thrawn glowers at him.

PALPATINE (who sits beside Vader): Stop this useless bickering, my
servants!

THRAWN AND VADER (pouting): All right, all right!

Wedge Antilles and Iella Wessiri Antilles point at Qwi and laugh.

WEDGE AND IELLA: Na-na-nana-na!

ZAHNITES (going completely wild): THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN!
THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN!
THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN!!!

NERDY ZAHNITE: MITTH'RAW'NURUODO! MITTH'RAW'NURUODO! (He actually
pronounces it correctly. His fellow Zahnites stare at him in awe.)

Wedge jumps into the arena, runs up to Qwi and kicks her in her
broken ribs while tearing out whole bunches of her head-feathers.

WEDGE: *This* is for designing the Death Stars! And *this* is for
making me look like an idiot! And *this* is for disgracing our galaxy
by your stupid presence!

The girl in the Qwi Xux costume faints again, collapsing in a shower
of chicken feathers. Her "WEDGE AND QWI FOREVER!" sign slips from her
hand and drops onto the head of an Andersonian, knocking him out.

SEBULBA (excited): The crowd is going completely wild! This could be
the match of the century!!

From out of nowhere, a bunch of Ewoks with drums appears and starts
chanting a joyful victory song.

ZAHNITES: THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN!
THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN! THRAWN!!!!!

~

TWO-HEADED ANNOUNCER: And now to the second match, Mara Jade vs.
Admiral Daala!

Mara and Daala take their positions.

JABBA (to Mara): Arica! If you ever need a job, you can come back and
dance for me again any time! (licks lips in suggestive fashion)

MARA: Thanks, but – no need!

SEBULBA (walks up to Vader and Palpatine): Any last minute comments?

VADER: Don't underestimate Mara. She survived having *me* for a
father-in-law.

PALPATINE: This Daala is a disgrace to the Empire. She only got her
position because she [CENSORED] Grand Moff Tarkin. I trained Mara
Jade to be the best. She will [CENSORED] Admiral Daala.

SEBULBA: Ahem, that's very explicit!

Next, he holds up his mike in front of Ysanne Isard, who is sitting
nearby. Next to her is her faithful sidekick Kirtan Loor, who is
holding a bunch of papers that could be a file about Mara, but are
probably just some standard Imperial forms.

ISARD (in an icy voice): *If* Mara should survive this match, I will
personally deal with her. This treasonous dog will *die*.

KIRTAN: I have no doubt that Daala will win. She's real cool! I mean,
she was the lover of *Grand Moff Tarkin*! Have you noticed that I
look like Tarkin? (stands up in the hope that everyone will admire
his looks)

Sebulba walks over to where the Skywalker/Solo clan is seated with
Artoo, Threepio, Chewie, and Lando next to them.

SEBULBA: Any other comments?

JAINA: Aunt Mara would win with one hand tied to her back! She's the
best, the greatest, the hottest…

SEBULBA (irritated): Did you say "hottest"?

JAINA: Yeah! You should see her in her black G-String!

LEIA: JAINA!!

JAINA: Mom, I'm old enough to choose who I have a relationship with!
Or are you homophobic?

LEIA: No, but she's your aunt!

JAINA: So what! We're not blood relations!

LEIA (rolls eyes): Kids these days!

JAINA: So, what was I saying? Aunt Mara is the best, the hottest; and
she's also my Jedi Master who taught me about the Force. Plus she's
the only one who's as good a pilot as I am. Well, actually, Jag Fel
is also a real hot pilot. Jag's my boyfriend. He flies a *clawcraft*.
Have you ever seen a clawcraft? They're real cool…

SEBULBA (interrupts her): I think we get the picture. (turning to
Lando) Mr. Calrissian, what are your comments?

LANDO: Daala ain't no match for a real woman. Mara will win.

SEBULBA (leaning closer to Lando): Perhaps you also have a comment
regarding your relationship to Mara Jade?

ANDERSONIAN #1: They're a hot item!

ANDERSONIAN #3: They're soulmates!

ANDERSONIAN #4: Mara belongs to Lando!!

LANDO (sighs mournfully): I wish I could say otherwise… (Mara stares
at him) …but there's always been only *one* guy who's man enough for
this woman, and that's the Jedi Master himself! (points to Luke)

SEBULBA (to Luke): Master Skywalker? Any comments?

Luke hardly notices him. His beautiful blue eyes are trained on Mara,
beaming with concern and, above all, love.

SEBULBA: Master Skywalker?

LUKE (still hardly noticing him): I wouldn't have wanted Mara to go
for that fight, but I couldn't have hindered her.

SEBULBA: And?

LUKE (dreamy): I don't know anyone else who's so strong. So brave. So
beautiful…

SEBULBA: I take that as a prediction that Mara will win. – Any more
comments?

CHEWIE (translated from Shyriiwook): Mara will [CENSORED] that
[CENSORED] Daala and [CENSORED]!

R2-D2: TWEEDEEP! TWEEDLEEDEEP! (translation: Rip her a new one,
Mistress Mara!)

Then the time for the Deatchmatch has come. Leia holds Luke's hand.

LEIA (to Luke): Don't be afraid. Mara is brave. Remember how she
killed Yomin Carr? That Vong was really a tough guy, almost like a
Klingon.

LUKE (raises eyebrow): Klingon?

LEIA: You know, those beings we encountered when the Waru pulled us
into his dimension – the Trekverse.

JABBA: Let the match begin! (strikes gong)

Mara draws her lightsaber and ignites it with a *snap-hiss-hummm!*,
while Admiral Daala draws her blaster and switches the setting
to 'kill'. Two pairs of emerald eyes glower at each other. The
tension is so thick that one could cut it with a vibroblade.

DAALA: Huh, you pathetic creature! This galaxy ain't big enough for
two redheads, and it ain't me who's gonna leave!

MARA: Less mouthing, more action!

DAALA (in a ridiculously dramatic tone): Mara Jade, you have betrayed
the Empire, and now you're gonna die for it!

MARA: Ask me if I care! And besides, I'm redder than you!

DAALA (enraged): That's it! (She shoots at Mara, who uses her
lightsaber to gracefully, nonchalantly deflect the blaster bolt *back
at Daala*. It hits her in the arm.)

DAALA (drops her blaster and grabs at her injured arm): AAAAAARGH!

The Andersonians gasp.

Using the Force, Mara calls Daala's blaster to her own hand and
shoots her in the feet. Daala falls to the ground.

ZAHNITES: YEAAAH!

ANDERSONIANS: NOOOOO!

Mara charges forward. She chops off both of Admiral Daala's arms with
her lightsaber. Daala kicks Mara with her injured feet, even though
it hurts her more than it hurts Mara.

ANDERSONIANS: Yeah! Don't let her beat you!

ISARD (jumps up from her seat): Keep fighting, Admiral! Do it for the
Empire!

KIRTAN: Do it for Tarkin!!!

MARA: Do you have enough?

In lieu of an reply, Daala spits her in the face. Swinging her
lightsaber in a most elegant fashion, Mara cuts off Daala's legs, as
well, then kicks her in the guts repeatedly.

Daala's emerald (well, not quite as emeraldy as Mara's) eyes widen,
and she pees in her pants with fear.

MARA: Do you have enough?

Daala rolls around and bites Mara in the ankle. Mara grabs her by the
hair, then uses her lightsaber to scalp her. She triumphantly swings
her auburn-haired trophy.

MARA: Like you said, this galaxy ain't big enough for two redheads!

LANDO: GO, BABY!!!

MARA (to Daala): Do you have enough?

There is a moment of silence. Ysanne Isard turns pale (it's
impossible to say whether it's from anger or shock) and clenches her
hands into fists.

DAALA (slams her bleeding head repeatedly against Mara's legs):I…
will… not… surrender!

Mara slits open Daala's belly, and all her guts fall out. Then she
gouges out the Admiral's not-quite-as-emeraldy-as-her-own eyes.

Isard faints (yes, I know it's hard to imagine). Reacting quickly,
Kirtan Loor catches her in his arms.

KJA: Oh, my goodness! Quick, scrape up Daala's remains! We need to
clone her for my next book!

TIM ZAHN: And you always said that *I* had overdone the cloning
thing! (snorts) Next thing you will want to use Ysalamiri! (rolls
eyes)

KJA (doesn't realize that he's being made fun of): That's right! I'll
need Ysalamiri! For the cloning process!

TIM ZAHN (tosses him an Ysalamir): Here!

KJA fails to catch the furry creature, and the poor thing's limbs get
broken as it falls to the ground. Tim Zahn shakes his head at KJA's
patheticness.

The Andersonians break down and cry.

ANDERSONIAN #3 (whiny): The Zahn Spawn must have cheated! How could
she beat our Goddess? I mean, Daala was so cool! Alright, she never
won a battle, but she was just so sexy with her gorgeous hair. Auburn
is so much better than boring red-gold!

Kirtan Loor is holding Isard's unconscious form on his lap,
frantically fanning her with his papers. She still looks *very* pale.

KIRTAN: Madam Director? Madam Director? (she doesn't respond) Oh dear!

ZAHNITES (cheerful): MARA RULES AND DAALA DROOLS! MARA RULES AND
DAALA DROOLS! MARA RULES AND DAALA DROOLS! We are the Champions! We
are the Champions! No time for losers, cause we are the Champions!

The Ewoks bang their drums and break into a joyful victory chant.
Luke Skywalker runs down into the arena and high-fives Mara.

LUKE: I love you, baby!

The two join in a passionate kiss.

ZAHNITES (ecstatic): AAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Some of the Zahnites swoon in ecstasy. Birds suddenly appear to
twitter a sweet and joyful song while rose petals rain down, filling
the air with their fragrance.

GIRL IN QWI XUX COSTUME (who has regained consciousness again):
Aaaah, that's so cute! Almost like Wedge and Qwi!

HER FELLOW ANDERSONIANS: Traitor! Go join the Zahnites!

GIRL IN QWI XUX COSTUME (breaks into tears): You're rude! You guys
have no sense for romance! All you care about are stupid superweapons!

Luke and Mara are still kissing.

ANDERSONIAN #3: Get your hands off her! She belongs to Lando! (He is
laughed at by the Zahnites.)

Upon regaining consciousness, Ysanne Isard has the questionable
pleasure of looking into the eyes (or rather, the *mask*) of Darth
Vader, who holds her head up by her skunk-striped hair with one black- gloved hand.

DARTH VADER (disdainful): So this is the Director of Imperial
Intelligence. I would have thought her tougher than this.

Cheers are heard everywhere, fireworks explode, and up-to-then- strangers hug as everyone (except a small bunch of still-pouting
Andersonians) dances a happy dance to the sound of the Ewok song.

**fade to ROTJ End Theme**